20 Years After Recovering From Eating Disorders, I Finally Understand How I Healed
What seemed like an illness of body and mind was actually a loss of connection to spirit.
Let me start by saying this is not medical advice. This is only my experience and reflections on the most challenging time in my life.
My eating disorder journey started with anorexia and turned into bulimia over six years. During this time, my mind was at war with itself. My body was a casualty of war. It seemed logical that every treatment offered aimed to control the mind. I tried individual and group therapies, medication, and changes in habits- but none of these had any impact, not even short lasting.
My eating disorder finally subsided when I met a guy who made me choose between him and the addiction. I wanted him in my life more than the eating disorder. Within months he was my boyfriend, and I was free. The resolution seemed incomprehensibly simple, almost miraculous after all the struggle I had gone through trying to heal. I didn’t understand it at the time, but I do now.
The eating disorder was only a symptom of my illness. What I was truly suffering from was a spiritual depression.
Through studying yoga I’ve come across the Vedic system of Koshas which helped me understand how narrowly I was living my life up to and during the eating disorders and how what my boyfriend did was help me expand my understanding of who I am and why I’m here.
The Koshas describe us as consisting of five sheaths or layers of being. Connecting with each of these layers is ultimately what led to my spiritual health and eating disorder recovery. There are various yogic practices designed to strengthen the connection with each layer such as movement, breathwork, and meditation. All of these would have felt out of reach to me at the time. What follows is a description of the five layers, the small steps I happened to take, and how you can apply what I’ve learned to your spiritual journey.
1. Physical Body
Our physical bodies are made up of what we eat so this sheath is sometimes called the food sheath. This is a narrow and unhelpful lens when you have an eating disorder. I prefer to think of the physical body as an instrument through which we experience life. My boyfriend helped me see that the body and senses could bring pleasure. I remember watching him eat and thoroughly enjoying the taste of food. He was present with every bite. He was a musician and writer, and I was enamored with his ability to notice small details in what he saw, heard, and touched and then turn them into art. Sex with him was less about what the body looked like and more about the sensations experienced. By tuning into sensation and pleasure I started to feel comfortable in my body- in my soul’s home.
Lesson: Come to know your body through sensation. Get comfortable in your soul’s abode.
2. Energy Body
Energy is the subtle force that animates life. It’s associated with the breath because we take in new energy on the inhale and release old energy on the exhale. There are many other ways in which we take in and release energy though. Emotions for example are energy in motion- so anytime you’re feeling something you’re absorbing, maintaining, or releasing energy. I’ve come to realize I’m an empath, so I absorb a lot of energy- both positive and negative. I couldn’t handle all the energy I was taking in, so my eating disorders served as energetic controls. Anorexia was in essence a way to limit the intake of energy. Bulimia was an energetic release. Through my relationship with my boyfriend, I was able to release other people’s energy and my stagnant energy in healthier ways. I remember crying for no apparent reason listening to an M83 song on a long drive in my boyfriend’s car. Deep conversations also provided both release and rejuvenation to help clean my soul’s home.
Lesson: Find a way to release and restore energy to keep your soul’s home clear and vibrant. At any moment you can discharge energy into the earth or take in new energy through the crown of your head.
3. Mental Body
The mental body is the part of us that thinks. It’s our sense of self as well as thoughts and mental patterns. I think of it as the radio station in our heads. The station playing in my head was self-critical and focused on food. My boyfriend helped me change the station. Instead of incessant thoughts about food and stories about my inadequacies I was thinking about love, beauty, creativity, and pleasure. I’ve since found these are qualities that deeply align with my soul.
Lesson: Find something you enjoy thinking about to engage your mind. You are in control of the station and what gets played in your head so aim to listen to something that enlivens your soul.
4. Intuitive Body
The intuitive body is the part of us that witnesses our thoughts and mental patterns and is also connected to something beyond ourselves. It’s the quiet voice of wisdom we all have. Intuitively I knew I was not living in alignment with my heart and soul. I was living a life of appearances that felt hollow and meaningless. I knew I had fallen off the path to my purpose. I loved art and music and I had banished them as impractical. Being in a relationship with an artist reminded me of my artist within, and now I could reawaken her.
Lesson: Consider what truth you know in your heart that you’re not allowing space for. Take small steps to align with your heart and soul.
5. Bliss Body
The bliss body is our natural state of being. It’s not a fleeting emotion, it’s who we are at the core. We experience this truth when we harmonize and integrate the other layers. Through deeper connection with the physical, emotional, mental, and intuitive bodies I started feeling whole again and seeing the beauty, joy, and artistry of life. I’d catch glimpses of myself as effortless bliss and it was the reassurance I needed that everything was ok, and I was somehow held by something greater. I was a spiritual being having this human experience.
Lesson: When you connect with all the layers of yourself, you reveal your true nature as bliss.
Kelly Latimer is a writer focused on helping people move closer to their truth and the great truths of the universe. to her newsletter to get your free Cosmic Confidence Workbook and connect to the qualities most aligned with your soul.
