🐢 Postgres Is Slow? LOL, No. Here’s How to Make It Fly Like a Bugatti 🏎️

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“Postgres? Isn’t that like the Toyota Camry of databases?”
Yes. Reliable, everywhere, does the job, kind of boring. But let’s be honest when your app takes 2.7 seconds to load a table, even a Camry starts to feel like a tricycle.

Now, before you jump ship to something flashy like MongoDB because “JSON is cool” or “schemaless is freedom,” pause. Because Postgres can be stupidly fast if you treat it right.

So grab your energy drink of choice and let me take you on a ride. After these 5 tweaks, your Postgres database won’t just move — it’ll zoom. Buckle up.

1. 🧙‍♂️ Prepared Statements — Your Query’s Personal Trainer

You know that one friend who tells the same story at every party? That’s you. But with SQL.

If your app is running the same queries over and over, stop making Postgres go through the entire “parse-plan-execute” song and dance each time. Use prepared statements.

Instead of Postgres preparing the query from scratch each time like a forgetful intern, prepared statements let you compile once…