Why Making Friends After 30 Feels Impossible (And What You Can Do About It)
Why making new friends is harder than finding a good therapist. Or filing taxes.
Your friend circle shrinks every year.
Some vanish into the vortex of marriage and babies. Others disappear into soul-sucking jobs. A few are lost to chronic back pain or the inability to fight hangovers.
Do you replace them? Probably not. Because making new friends past your 20s is ridiculously hard.
Why?
First, you’re more rigid — and quicker to judge.
At 18, friendships are born from a shared love of the same sitcoms. So what if they were a satanist or a radical right winger?
In college, I had a large group of friends and naively believed we’d stay close forever. Matching custom T-shirts at our 15th reunion. Obscene hen-dos. Speed dial buddies (back when speed dial was a thing). The whole dream.
At 32, I’d do backflips to avoid someone who doesn’t like Shah Rukh Khan. Or worse — someone who wakes up at 5 a.m. to run. Recreationally.
Where do you even meet new people?
You spend most of your time at work, the gym (or convincing yourself you go), grocery stores, and the doctor’s office. Not exactly prime friendship-forging venues.
“Hey, what brings you here today?” sounds less like a conversation starter and more like you’re filling in for the receptionist.
And honestly, we’re exhausted.
Between work, family, and trying to stay fit (or just sane), who has the energy to go friendship-hunting?
But here’s the thing — it’s not just me. Or you.
In Japan, a 2022 study revealed that 40% of residents reported feeling lonely at least occasionally. And those in their 20s and 30s — prime “social” years — reported the highest levels.
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The UK fares worse: nearly 50% of people reported experiencing loneliness.
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We’re in the middle of a loneliness epidemic. And people are trying everything to fight it:
- Using dating apps — just to find friends (that explains why so many of my dates ghosted me… or so I hope)
- Attending paid mixers for other stray souls (where you end up talking to two people for 90 awkward minutes)
- Renting companions off websites (startup idea: Uber, but for platonic hugs)
- Finding comfort in AI friends who never ghost — or fake a hangover
There’s no vaccine for loneliness.
But there are ways to treat it.
The key might be consistency. Showing up in the same spaces. Doing the things you love. Letting friendships form the way they used to — organically.
I found a fantastic group of people on a community trip to Bhutan last year. We sang, danced, and drank around bonfires in sub-zero temperatures. Held each other up through an 8-hour trek to Tiger’s Nest.
Now, we send each other Reels on Instagram, share inside jokes, and remember how magical that trip was.
More recently, I met kind, vulnerable, disgustingly talented people in a 3-month creative writing program. People who clapped even when you wrote something you thought was crap. Who shared stories that cracked your heart open. Who sat with your pain — and shared theirs too.
We wrote about grief and joy, childhoods and regrets, broken hearts and hopeful futures. Then, we burnt our traumas, took an oath, and danced around a fire together.
You might think I’m suggesting all adult friendships start with dancing around fires. And honestly… I might be onto something.
Here are some ideas (that don’t involve fire) to make friends with other lonely 30-somethings.
🧑🤝🧑 Social & Community
- Join a local class (e.g., pottery, improv, creative writing) or book club
- Use Bumble BFF to find interest-based connections
- Volunteer for a cause you care about
☕️ Everyday Life
- Become a regular at a café or yoga studio
- Reconnect with old friends — they’re probably just as lonely
💻 Online Spaces
- Join an online community (people have found love on Reddit)
- Take a virtual, group-based course
🌍 Experiential
- Go on a community trip or retreat (travel groups, creative residencies)
Whether it’s a cozy café, a weekly pottery class, or your neighbourhood park, familiarity breeds connection. The best friendships don’t always begin with an awkward icebreaker — and definitely not with one person paying the other to be there. Sometimes, friendships just grow where you’d least expect them to.
