Five Things I Hear Too Much as a Survivor
And what to say instead
No one likes to hear that a loved one, or even a stranger, has had a traumatic experience. When we do, most of us struggle to know what to say. Since I started sharing my story of abuse, I’ve found there are a handful of phrases people seem to default to. Though well-intentioned, most of these land painfully with me.
I know they come from a good place, so please don’t feel bad if you’ve said these things to me or to another survivor. Some of them I’ve said too, many times. But since I found myself on the receiving end, I’ve realised many of these statements fall short of the comfort or support they are meant with. At least for me.
Here are my five pet peeves and some suggestions of what to say instead
YOU SAY ‘I’m sorry that happened to you’
I HEAR ‘I feel sorry for you’
This is one I used to say ALL the time. It seems to be the most common response, even on peer support forums from one survivor to another. A couple of years ago, someone called me out on it and their rationale really stuck with me. They told me they didn’t need or want a sorry. For a start what happened to them wasn’t my fault plus they’d come to see it all as ‘morally edifying’. The further I’ve got in my healing, the more this rings true for me too.
Of course I’d rather not have experienced sexual violence at all. But there’s no point anyone being sorry about things they didn’t cause and cannot undo. Through facing my trauma, my life has shrunk: socially, geographically and professionally. But it has also expanded in unexpected ways. I have become more self aware, more spiritual, more empathetic to others... Without going through such difficult things I’m not sure I’d be the person I am now. Increasingly, I’m happy to say I like that person.
Being constantly told people are sorry for what happened can shift me back into a victim mindset. Whilst feeling sorry for myself is something I allow from time to time, it’s not a good place to get stuck in. In sharing my story, whether with loved ones or here on Medium, I’m taking back the power that was stolen from me by my abusers. That’s something to celebrate, not feel sorry about. So if it wasn’t your fault that bad things happened in my life, I don’t want you to feel sorry for me. Respect me for surviving and doing the work to heal instead.
YOU SAY ‘You will move past this’ OR ‘I know you won’t let this define you’
I HEAR ‘I expect you to get over this quickly’
These next two are used by many survivors about themselves. ‘I will get past this’ and ‘This will not define me’ are empowering statements to say. But when they come from someone else, they suggest there’s a right and a wrong way to heal from trauma. Seemingly the wrong way is to get stuck in it or to let it define you, but what does that mean?
There’s a voice inside me screaming, ‘What if I need to let it define me, at least for now??’
Am I doing it wrong if my day to day is still dominated by the memories? Or if I change my lifestyle as a result? Have I failed at moving past this if I’m still angry about what happened to me forty years from now? Am I letting it define me if I identify as a survivor and share my story publicly, as I do when writing here? These are the questions that go through my head when I receive these comments. There’s a voice inside me screaming, ‘What if I need to let it define me, at least for now??’
The fact is there is no right or wrong way to heal, and no timeline on any of it. Everyone’s journey is different and non-linear. Some survivors do want to leave the past in the past, but no one should have to. For me right now, it helps to wear my survivor badge with pride. It’s my way of shaking off the shame, but also makes me sensitive to any hint of pressure to overcome it or move on. Survivors need understanding that healing is a life long journey and that there’s no wrong way to approach it. We need reassurance that our loved ones will stick with us through that.
YOU SAY ‘You don’t have to tell me about it’
I HEAR ‘I don’t want to hear about it’
This is a tricky one, because it is important to avoid putting pressure on survivors to share if they’re not ready. This can trigger flashbacks and re-traumatisation. Equally, it can really hurt if you stop at ‘you don’t have to tell me’.
Most survivors of sexual violence have been programmed to feel it is wrong to talk about our experiences. Even if our abusers didn’t explicitly scare us into silence, most of us feel our stories are too heavy a burden to put on someone else. When someone says ‘you don’t have to tell me about it’, it makes me feel I shouldn’t. Even if I want to.
If you do have the capacity to listen, please make sure the survivor in your life knows that. Always follow ‘you don’t have to tell me’ with ‘but I’m here and willing to listen if you want to’. Being given permission to share in that way makes it so much easier to open up.
However, if you actually are saying ‘you don’t have to tell me’ because you’re unable to listen and support at that time, just say so! I’d far prefer someone said ‘I’m not in the right space to listen at the moment but is there another way I can support you?’
YOU SAY ‘It’s so brave of you to share this’
I HEAR ‘I wouldn’t have shared this if I were you’
Again this statement isn’t inaccurate. It is brave to speak out about your trauma. But the moment after I do is usually the moment I’m feeling the least brave. Vulnerable and afraid, all my defence mechanisms are up. My internal critic is telling me I shouldn’t have shared. Calling me an attention seeker. Finding reasons to doubt my own story.
When I’m in that state, calling me brave only plunges me deeper into fear. The word seems to imply there’s a need to be brave, that judgement or danger is likely to follow. Like when a friend says ‘Wow, that’s a brave outfit’ and you’re left second guessing whether you’re actually brave enough to wear it.
There’s an easy substitution for this one though. I’ve noticed the word courageous doesn’t carry the same negative connotations. If someone says it must have taken great courage to share, I do feel courageous. It boosts a feeling of strength rather than undermining it. Perhaps this is because there’s a level of respect communicated through the word courage, that isn’t there with brave. The way I see it bravery can be foolish and dangerous whereas courage is never a bad thing. Your choice of words makes a difference, so take a beat and think about the implications of them.
YOU SAY ‘You’re so strong’
I HEAR ‘You’re in this on your own’
My final pet peeve was inspired by this post . These words helped me understand why ‘you’re so strong’ so often lands badly. It can feel like the world expects survivors to have limitless strength and we just don’t.
Working through trauma is a lonely journey and somehow being told you’re strong reinforces that. It implies you don’t (and shouldn’t) need anyone else to get through this. That you have everything you need to get through this within you. This is unrealistic.
For survivors of interpersonal violence like me, interactions with other people are an important part of healing. Survivors need support and to know other people are there for them far more than they need reminding of their strength. You can remind us of that too, but please follow it with an ‘and…’
Remind your loved one that they don’t need to handle this on their own, and that’s it ok if they don’t always (or ever) feel strong. Strength can only get you so far without love to help you sustain it.
One final thing
If you are offering support to a survivor, whether online or IRL, you WILL get it wrong sometimes. It’s inevitable when dealing with someone healing from trauma. We are sensitive souls and easily triggered. A comment that feels supportive one day, can feel like a kick in the teeth the next, depending on what’s going on in my head. So don’t take it personally if someone reacts badly to a well-intentioned comment. Just ask them how you can do better instead.
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