Chronic Illness, Guilt and Kindness
Stories of Kindness Amidst Chronic Struggles
I was supposed to return to work today after a 4-day sick leave. As I packed my bag for work, I knew I wasn’t ready to return. I was too dizzy and disoriented. I almost decided to call in sick once again, but it was too late, and I had already taken too much time off work. I also had a class to teach, which I couldn’t drop at the last moment. Moreover, the thought of requesting another sick day was too stressful. Ignoring my internal struggle, I mustered up all my determination and decided to make it through the day no matter what. You’ve got to fake it till you make it, right? Think yourself healthy, and healthy you shall be!
As I entered the college campus, dizzy and disoriented, I wondered if it would be wiser to return home. But no, it was too late. I took a deep breath and pressed on. A colleague greeted me and asked if I was doing well. I smiled and answered in the affirmative. As I took the stairs to the faculty room, I could feel my heart beating out of my chest. The moment I stepped into the faculty room, my head started spinning, my vision went dark, and I knew I was seconds away from passing out. I sat down as quickly as possible, elevated my legs and bent my head forward to prevent a fainting spell.
My colleagues had seen this series of events way too many times to freak out. They were probably accustomed to my episodes by now. Did they find it amusing? I couldn’t help but wonder. But this thought was quickly replaced by more pressing concerns: Should I wait for this to pass? Should I go to the ER immediately? Is this the beginning of another month-long flare-up? Do I need to extend my leave? Do I even have any more paid leave left? The questions loomed, each more daunting than the last. Why did I subject myself to this by returning to work before I was ready?
I snapped out of my ruminations when a thoughtful colleague handed me an electrolyte drink and suggested I head back home. But, someone commented that I had already taken too many days off. Another colleague kindly offered to cover my classes, and yet another offered me a ride back home.
One hour later, I was back at home, knowing that I would need more time off work. All my plans to push through my symptoms were down in the dumps, and this episode had set me further back.
When I went to work despite being symptomatic, did I truly believe I could think my way out of my symptoms? Not really! I’ve been sick long enough to try all kinds of thought experiments a human could possibly attempt, and I know they don’t work. Yet, I pushed through my symptoms because the fear of disappointing others weighed heavily on my mind. I pushed myself to ward off my guilt about taking too much time off work. I dragged my feet to work because asking for time off for the 5th time in a month was too stress-inducing.
Being chronically ill comes with many challenges. Interestingly, for chronic illness patients, physical distress is not always the most pressing concern. Sometimes, other challenges can be far more difficult to navigate. The grief of losing one’s identity, the uncertainty about the future, the realization of lost opportunities, and the pangs of societal judgment can be extremely isolating. Add to it the guilt of letting others down despite your best efforts.
Whether it’s having to frequently take time off work, needing too many accommodations, cancelling plans at the last moment, or simply being unable to show up for people when they need you, chronic illness often weighs you down with a heavy sense of guilt. Lacking the energy to take care of your basic needs and having to depend on your loved ones can leave you feeling like a burden.
You often find yourself wondering whether you’re holding your loved ones back.
Yet, chronic illness also reveals to you the real treasure in your life — people who consistently go out of their way to show up for you, even when you fail to show up for them.
Whether it’s your mother, tirelessly cooking and caring for you when, in an ideal world, you should be taking care of her; or your brother, bringing you a pot of water after a meal to spare you the walk to the washbasin during flare-ups; your sister, worrying herself sick each time you find yourself in the hospital again; or the friend who travels to your place to celebrate her birthday because you can’t make it to hers. There’s also the friend who consistently reminds you to prioritize your health, even if it means disappointing others, and the one who invites you to his wedding but stresses that your health matters more than the celebration.
Then there’s the colleague who goes above and beyond to accommodate you, the one who checks in with you everyday, or the ones you can vent to when it feels like no one else understands you. The students who willingly drive you to your workplace, even though you live just a few blocks away from college. And the one who, unable to contain her emotions, embraces you with tears streaming down her face when you return to the classroom after a two-month break.
There’s also the landlord who accompanies you during your midnight trips to the ER and the doctor who consistently puts forth his best effort to provide you with a better quality of life.
People whose kindness leaves you feeling incredibly blessed are the real treasures in your life.
Life with chronic illness is undoubtedly challenging, yet the kindness and compassion of people who show up for you, every moment of every day, make the journey a thousand times more bearable.
