Paleontologists Announce New Species of T-Rex or Some Shit, Like We’ve Got Time for That Right Now

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Undeterred by the one-fucking-million record-breaking tragedies ravaging the population, a team of paleontologists published a paper on Monday announcing a new species of T-rex or some shit, like any of us have time for that right now.

“After years of delayed research, quarantines, and all matter of international mega-disasters, we now have evidence that will redefine the way we view Tyrannosaurus rex,” blathered lead scientist Geoffery Dune, knowing perfectly well our collective plate is already full to the point of bursting.

According to Dune’s paper — rushed to the presses without even a cursory onceover — the T-rex was actually TWO DIFFERENT species of identical dinosaurs with a slightly different tooth, which, as you may have guessed, means fucking nothing.

“We knew this announcement would make historic waves across the entire scientific community,” babbled fellow paleontologist Brenda Ignatius, the genius behind the decision to disseminate this information as breaking news. “So we couldn’t wait to share it, even though waiting might have been the correct choice.”

Dune went on to introduce the team and explain how the groundbreaking discovery came about, but to be perfectly honest, we weren’t…