5 Ways To Snag Those Swift Tix
Whew! Ticketmaster really screwed the pooch on those Eras Tour tickets, huh?
Us Swifties have had quite the year, what with the highs of Taylor’s latest work and the lows of Ticketmaster turning into a flaming pile of you-know-what after hanging in ticket purgatory for hours on end. Official investigations are underway into Ticketmaster’s business practices, but the wheels of justice seem to move slower than the tempo of “Back to December” (72 BPM). So, in the meantime, here are some ways to ensure you are one of the weeping fans in the inevitable The Eras Tour movie.
1. Enter a contest
Social media is littered with ticket giveaways, and while the odds aren’t great, they’re not dissimilar to when you had the dreaded 2,000+ people ahead of you on Ticketmaster. To enter, follow the designated 3–15 accounts, comment on all of their posts of the past 4 years, and tag 900 friends. Easy peasy, team! Your feed may be transformed after this, but just remember your personal transformation after hearing “Cruel Summer” live at long last (so much for that Loverfest boost!).
2. Learn to play guitar and audition to be in the band
Has Paul Sidoti been her guitarist since 2007? Yes. Is he planning on leaving? No. BUT WE’RE DESPERATE, HERE! So master those C, G, Am, and F chords and be ready to go for 10 minutes at a time. And remember, the guitar needs to be plugged into the amp…
3. Start a passionate and quick romance with the daughter of Ticketmaster’s CEO
Technically, they haven’t said that the tickets are sold out, so slide into those DMs and show us “How You Get The Girl”. Early in your relationship, use some of Swift’s lyrics in casual conversation, so that she’ll begin to associate you with Taylor. Say things like, “Can I ask you a question,” “I’m going out tonight,” or “You know how scared I am of elevators.” If these are too subtle, then she honestly doesn’t deserve to go to the show, and you need to move on to option 4, stat.
4. Speed up your inheritance
Look, death is part of life, including your parents dying. Why not hurry it along onto a timeline that suits your needs? If it makes you happy, they’d want that for you anyway! Swap their meds, stage a home invasion, or go the classic poison dinner route, but don’t make Taylor’s imaginary daughter-in-law’s mistake; make sure you’re in the will before you go through with it! Use that money to snag some overpriced tickets on StubHub. They start at around $900, so you may still be in the nosebleeds depending on your parents’ economic status and funeral costs, but at least Taylor will acknowledge you during her speech about the light-up wristbands!
5. Die in a tragic accident
There’s gotta be an Eras Tour in heaven, right? I bet God’s a total Swiftie…
We hope these ticket tips can be the “Invisible String” to pull you into Taylor’s “Lavender Haze” next spring! Make sure to say hi to us at the show; we’ll be the ones searching your bags at the door (working security at the venue is secret hack #6! Thanks, TikTok!).
