Why It’s Okay To Have Doubts
Because we’ve all been there and none of us know what we’re doing.
Nothing is ever perfect — not for long, anyway. Any long-term relationship we might find ourselves in will unquestionably have its ups and downs, its bliss and woe. As much as we may want to shield both ourselves and our partners from the dread of those low days, the smarter thing to do is to accept their inevitability and quit trying to postpone them altogether.
Having doubts doesn’t necessarily lead to a break up. More often than not, when dealt with in a respectful and considerate manner, the things we questioned become the new basis for our joint happiness.
While it makes sense instinctively to try to steer as clear as possible from confrontation — after all, who among us actually enjoys talking about feelings? — in the end we’re just making life harder for ourselves. While diving straight in, head first, may not be the most recommendable approach, neither is just sitting around looking at the cracks on the wall hoping they’ll fix themselves.
Relationships Are Made of People
People are never easy. A family friend of mine used to say: “Families are made of people. That’s the only unfortunate bit about the whole concept.”
The same understanding of interpersonal dynamics applies to romantic relationships. While you may adore beyond any spectrum within human comprehension the person sitting across the table, eating dinner with you every night, they are, in the end, still just a person. Tricky, little creatures, people are full of incongruities, rough edges and unfinished thoughts.
It can be hard to try to get a grasp on someone else’s way of thinking and some may even say that we are never fully able to understand the processes uncoiling inside another human being’s mind. However, in spite of how different we all may be, there is still so much we all have in common.
Having doubts about your partner is one of such things. You think you can’t figure them out, you don’t understand why they act a certain way and not another altogether, why they’re so capable of spending thirty-five minutes dissecting Olivia Wilde’s Booksmart’s soundtrack but when the topic steers into — shocker! — feelings, not a single peep comes out of those lips (okay, this may be too specific an example but we all know what I’m talking about).
In the end, it’s important to keep in mind that, the very same way you are only human and expect your faults to be kindly forgiven by society, so are they and so do they. It’s true that sometimes we really are just incompatible with our partners and not much else can be done about that relationship but I would argue that, more often than not, the real impediment are the wildly unrealistic expectations we set on our partners.
We Need To Talk
It doesn’t take a relationship guru — not that anyone would ever call me that with a straight face — to know that communication is key. Talk, talk and talk. Talk it all out until you are exhausted beyond belief and then keep talking for five, ten more minutes: that’s when the important stuff actually comes out.
More often than I would necessarily like to admit to, I’ve started what I thought would be a constructive conversation with a partner by blindly and viciously attacking them with an itemised list of everything they’d done wrong in the past two weeks. Take it from me, that’s not the way to go.
The more you accept that what you’re feeling is nothing really that out of the ordinary, the easier it’ll be to work those fears and doubts into a coherent train of thought that you can explain to your partner. In a whirlwind of chaotic, questioning and frequently even contradicting emotions, it can be backbreaking to try to organise it all into a solution-oriented speech. At the same time, however, it is essential that you keep in mind that relationships are built out of choices — consensual ones, that is — and if you have chosen to be with this person, you owe it to them to explain what it is that is making you think that you’re no longer willing to keep making that choice.
Trust Yourself
I’m of the opinion that we always know what we want to do. We may not always want to know, we may at times even forget that we know, but I think that, when it comes down to basic instincts, the answer is there, hidden somewhere in the subterfuges of our brain but never completely out of reach.
Your body knows how to react to your partner’s touch. Your brain knows what to do when they enter a room. You may be too busy piling questions on top of questions to notice but you know how you feel about them.
A pros and cons list will never help you reach a decision but, and not to sound all new-wavey here or anything, listening to your gut just might. Set aside all the worries about what so-and-so may say, what your great-aunt will think, what your in-laws will say about you. It’s all too common to turn to our closest ones in times of distress and look for ready-made answers but, as you have probably pointed out to them at some distant point in the past, this is your relationship, not theirs.
Craving external validation when trying to make such a heavy-weight decision is only normal but none of these people you might turn to have been a part of the life you’ve shared with this person. At most, they’ve only got a skewed version of the story — probably yours — and no advice of theirs will take into account all the intricacies inherent to each and every relationship.
Think of your future and yours only. This is the time to be selfish. Are they a part of it? Will you be happy if they are? The answer is probably lodged somewhere between your small and large intestines — all you have to do is look for it.
As I said in the beginning, nothing is ever perfect but, more importantly than that, perfection should never be your goal, either. That doesn’t mean, however, that you should settle for something that isn’t good. If you’re having doubts about your relationship, there’s most likely a reason for their existence. Dig deep, bear both yourself and your partner in mind, and, remember, we’ve all been there.
