Love & Relationships
Doubting Your Relationship? 12 Telling Questions to Ask Yourself
Gain the clarity you need to move forward.
When you experience doubts about your relationship, it can be confusing. You might sense something is missing, but can’t put a finger on what. Maybe you aren’t very happy, even though everything seems okay on the surface. Or perhaps you have a few clear concerns, but you’re not sure if they should bother you as much as they do.
When you struggle to put words to these feelings, the feelings can be hard to trust and easy to dismiss in the moment. However, if you feel a nagging uncertainty about your relationship, it is worth exploring the reasons for those doubts, as your feelings may be trying to help you get what you need.
The questions below are intended to guide your feelings into words so that you can more clearly understand why your heart might feel uncertain.
1. Would you be a little bit relieved if your partner broke up with you?
If the answer is yes, it can indicate that outside pressures, guilt, or fear are keeping you in the relationship — more so than love. Putting the decision in someone else’s hands would free you from the guilt of abandoning somebody, judgement from others, or the fear of having regrets. If that scenario sounds inviting, then you may be letting a difficult decision — not a desire to stay — prevent you from moving on. Take heart. Moving on will give you both the opportunity to find a better match.
2. Would your younger self be happy for you if they saw your relationship?
Imagine who you were before this relationship. Would you be excited to tell that version of yourself about the person you ultimately ended up with? Would they be thrilled to see how happy you are?
Many relationships fall short of what we once envisioned, even if they started strong. If you feel a twinge of disappointment when you remember what you once longed for, it’s worth considering whether you have settled for less than you desire.
3. Is the relationship a struggle?
While healthy partnerships do require effort from both people, your lifetime companion shouldn’t be a source of chronic stress, suffering, or loss. Relationships aren’t supposed to be constantly hard. On the contrary, a life partnership is meant to make your life easier, richer, and more fulfilling. While an occasional disagreement is unavoidable, conflicts should be handled with care and not cause more emotional damage. If the relationship feels hostile, hopeless, or depleting, your doubts may be trying to tell you that this relationship is not healthy.
4. Do you feel lucky to have found this person?
If you were once afraid of ending up alone, or endured a lot of troubling relationships or painful breakups in the past, you may feel grateful just to be in any relationship where you feel relatively safe from hurt or abandonment. In that sense, you may feel lucky to be with your partner, simply because their presence provides you comfort and relief from those fears.
However, to feel safe and cared for in your primary relationship is only asking for the bare minimum — it is your right to expect more than that. Ideally, your life partner has a long list of qualities that makes them perfectly suited to know, value, and support you, exactly as you are. This means finding someone who matches your unique values, priorities, intellect, and character. When you find someone who meets all those criteria, you won’t just feel relieved, you’ll feel wonderfully lucky to have found this specific person. There will be no room for doubt.
5. Does commitment feel like a sacrifice?
When you consider taking the next big step in the relationship — whether moving in, getting married, or even just spending another year together — do you feel an underlying sense of loss? If so, this may hint at a hidden feeling that the relationship is lacking something you once hoped for, and, deep down, you aren’t yet willing to give up on that hope.
When you’ve found your perfect person, progressing the relationship will feel exciting and beneficial. If you don’t feel that way, consider whether this relationship is causing you to sacrifice your hopes and dreams of what you want a partnership to feel like.
6. If you had to find a new partner, would you look for someone very similar to the person you’re with now?
Does your partner have traits that you’d definitely avoid in a future partner? Which desirable traits would you seek that your current partner is missing? If you imagine you’d like to start over with someone quite different, consider whether that vision matches the type of person you truly long for.
7. Does your partner inspire you?
A fulfilling relationship will help you grow into the person you truly want to be. If your partner has many traits that you admire and respect, their presence and influence will help you obtain or strengthen those traits within yourself. In turn, if your partner admires a lot of your traits, they will encourage and nurture those natural gifts wholeheartedly. When both of you are truly excited about each other’s unique qualities, you will feel both feel safe and inspired to be the best version of yourselves.
However, feeling inspired and encouraged is not the same as being pressured or forced to change by someone who isn’t satisfied with you as you are. If you are losing yourself in the relationship, or feeling like your true self is being diminished, you may be sacrificing too much just to simply keep harmony between you.
8. Are you the only one holding the relationship together?
If the answer to this is yes, it may be that the only way you can connect with your partner is by doing what they want to do, or talking about things they want to talk about. You may bend over backwards to make their life better, while barely a thank you is offered in return. An imbalance is clear if your relationship revolves around your partner’s interests, preferences, and needs, while yours are treated with indifference. Even worse is a partner that judges, sabotages, or belittles the things that matter to you. If these statements ring true, ask yourself: is this relationship holding you back? If your partner doesn’t take a caring interest in your inner world, you may never experience the deep personal appreciation and understanding you deserve.
9. Does quality time together feel like a chore?
If spending time together feels awkward, unnatural, or forced, like one or both of you is required to put on an act, it can indicate that you lack a strong connection to each other. Maybe your differences were fun in the beginning, but since the novelty has worn off, you feel like you can’t relate to each other much at all. You’re left with little to talk about or enjoy together.
When two people have shared interests, common values, or a similar sense of humor, they are able to connect naturally in many ways. When two people are very different, it can be exhausting trying to find ways bond.
10. Are you proud of this relationship?
If you lack confidence in your choice of partner, you may feel the need to constantly justify or defend the relationship to people you most admire and respect. You might hide the details of your relationship or attempt to keep your partner separate from areas of your life where you feel most valued and accomplished.
However, if your partner is really the kind of person you want to be with, why wouldn’t you feel thrilled to share them with the world and have them associated with you? If you don’t feel that way, there might be elements of your partnership that are less than satisfactory in your eyes.
11. Are you lying to yourself?
People are very good at lying to themselves, especially if facing the truth would be too inconvenient, embarrassing, or heartbreaking to bear. For this reason, it can be difficult to know if you are in denial yourself.
You may attempt to hide the truth from yourself by over-focusing on the good aspects of the relationship, no matter how poorly they weigh against the bad. You might desperately cling to shreds of evidence that your partner is great for you, replaying an internal script of why you actually make sense together. You may dwell on numerous small complaints you have about your partner as a way to address the uneasiness you feel without having to acknowledge the bigger issues between you. But, no matter how many times you tell yourself what you want to hear, you’ll never stop needing to.
12. Are you hoping things will change?
Perhaps you are counting on your partner to improve in some way, or hoping you’ll learn to accept the things you don’t like. Or, maybe you think the relationship will be better once you have a new job, a new house, a different medication — whatever it may be. Be cautious of this line of thinking, as it is often a subconscious way to postpone a difficult decision.
People do not usually change much (unless they take actions that show they truly want to), and any of your attempts to fix them are likely to result in resentment over time. If you believe that circumstances outside of your relationship are to blame for your struggles, be sure you are not just distracting yourself from the real issues at hand.
Clarity to move forward
Doubts don’t always mean the relationship must end, but they do signal that something needs your attention. Whether you address those issues with your partner or decide it’s time to move on, getting clarity on your feelings is a crucial first step. Your feelings are there for a reason —honor them, listen to them, and let them guide you to the truth.
The more honest you are with yourself, the clearer the path will become. If you’re still unsure, here are 21 signs that you’re in the wrong relationship.
