HUMOR
Your Workout Tips Are Unwelcome — But Mine Are Helpful and Supportive
You think I’m some kookie newbie?
The gym is my sanctuary. To get fit, healthy and push away the day’s stress. And I don’t want to be interrupted with your workout advice, like “hey, um, keeping your elbows straight when you hit the heavy bag might prevent your wrist from flopping over like that.” It’s discourteous and undermining.
You think I’m some kookie newbie? I learned from the best: Mr. Trenton, NJ. At age 46, he wore neon pink bikini bottoms and eight shades of bronzer.
That’s right, my father has been showing me how to bang weights together at the top of the rep since I was ten years old. Growing up in the 80s, I was part of the new gym rat generation, following the Pied Piper training techniques of an oily middle-aged man in zebra spandex. “Why are you doing it that way?” he’d helpfully ask every time I emptied the garbage can without grunting. In 1983, I was one year old when the first 24-hour gym opened. My father packed up the diaper bag to show me the riddle of steel in the middle of night. It’s never too early for a little 2 a.m. tummy time to get shredded for beach week.
Like the lat-winged angel Gabriel, I’m now here to pass on God’s will for you to let out a bloodcurdling screech while slamming the weight back into position. When I see someone carefully engaging their spinal erector muscles on a deadlift, I think: “Oh that poor soul. No one ever took the time to show them how jerking their neck upright can add 4% more power.” I know that you’re too nervous to ask my expertise, especially since I look so intimidating in my A-yo top. Which, by the way, can we finally re-nickname those tight-fitting ribbed tank tops of The Godfather or The Jersey Shore — it’s an A-frame fashion style and you feel like saying “yo” a lot.
Don’t worry, there’s nothing I love more than pausing my triceps skull-crushers to help you do you, but better. “Yo, lock out your knees!” It’s all in the spirit of comradeship. Anne Lamott says, “Help is the sunny side of control.” Well, let the sunshine in, because it’s your lucky day that I was next to you on the squat rack. No need to thank me either. The self-satisfaction of knowing I prevented another torn ACL is all the credit I need.
Plus, I have to go correct the form of the who spend on a gym membership. Some experts think we’ve gotten a little . One in ten of those gym-goers has and will never be satisfied with their muscularity. But that’s because according to my father, nine out of ten gymgoers are doing it wrong.
I may not be able to help all of our steely brethren, but I’ll be there for you, with these five words I swear to you: You’re definitely doing it wrong.
But don’t you dare clear your throat and gently ask me to re-rack the sweaty dumbbells I left on the flat bench. That’s just plain rude.
