HUMOR
Nora Ephron Critiques Your Dating Profile
You mention being very neat — take that out. It makes it sound like you call your mother too much
Written By , , , and
Dating in New York is ridiculous. My girlfriends tell me about these websites where single people go on, they create profiles and then they try to fall in love with someone based on a few pictures and a few hundred words. As an expert on love, I spent my entire writing career helping other people fall in love, and when my friend showed me your profile, I just knew you needed my help.
First of all, you need to pick a different primary profile picture. You start off with this big group shot of seven different people — how am I supposed to know which one is you? I get that we’re all afraid of aging and showing our flaws, but hiding behind your more attractive friends isn’t going to make those smile lines go away.
You list “Consultant” as your profession, which tells me nothing about what you actually do with your day. What is that? If I had to guess, I’d say you give advice to corporations on how to commit white-collar crimes. If that’s the case, you should know you will be expected to pick up the check at dinner every time.
I see that you have a Golden Retriever, which I’m sure you think means that you’re a competent adult who enjoys long walks and taking care of others. What it actually means is that every time I come over your apartment I’m going to have to bring a lint roller because your furniture is probably covered in hair and dander.
You mention being very neat — take that out. It makes it sound like you call your mother too much, and a guy who loves to call his mother and clean his apartment is never free to go to the farmer’s market on Saturday afternoons.
Your dislikes include playing games and guacamole, which is a great way of telling people you’re no fun at game night.
We don’t need to know your zodiac sign — someone who would admit to being a gemini on their profile shouldn’t be on a dating website, they should be in therapy. Alternatively, let us know your favorite slice of New York pizza so we can judge you appropriately.
Less is more — instead of giving us your entire life story, just tell us which character in one of my movies you are. You can tell a lot about a person by whether they identify as a Harry Burns or as a Joe Fox. If you’re not sure, there’s likely a dozen quizzes online that can help you with that. In fact, let me help you out. Here’s the link to “Which Nora Ephron Character Are You?” quiz. Can you believe I got Sally?
Your “interesting fact about me” is that you love to travel. Name one person who doesn’t love to travel. I mean I don’t, because I never leave the Upper West Side. Why would I? It’s a perfect neighborhood. But good for you for being willing to do a long distance relationship. You’re gonna have to if you insist on living all the way in Brooklyn.
You list your height as six feet tall — please, for the love of god, actually be six feet tall. No woman is going to bring a measuring tape to a date, but if they did it would make for a great scene in a movie. Make a reservation at Bamonte’s for Friday night and your love story will write itself.
Actually, after reading through your profile, you sound like you would make a great protagonist in a romantic comedy. Call my casting agent on Monday. How has Nancy Meyers not sunk her claws into you yet?
