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Illegal Alien Tries to Eat Family Cat
“I thought he was a bagel” accused claims.
SAN FERNANDO, CALIFORNIA — Today, just hours after former President and current Republican nominee Donald Trump made claims that undocumented immigrants have been eating family pets in Springfield, Ohio — San Fernando Valley police received a call of an unidentified life form attempting to hypnotize local cats into thinking they were bagels.
“This, uh, guy, I don’t know what to call him, we get a call that he’s been going around the neighborhood, looking for cats” says San Fernando Police Officer Aiden Tanner.
Though the Alien Life Form does not appear to have successfully snacked on any local Lunas or Milos, the disturbance has neighbors shaken.
“He was trying to convince my Oliver that he was an everything bagel. If I hadn’t stopped him when I did, he would have been eaten for breakfast with a schmear,” local resident Maddy Ochmonek told reporters.
Police identified the ALF in question as Gordon Shumway, of planet Melmac, who claims to have lived in the neighborhood in the 1980s before returning to his home planet in the late 90s.
Shumway told police that he decided to come back to Earth after hearing Trump’s debate claims.
“When I was here last time, they told me I couldn’t eat the family pets. But now, fair game! I came back for a visit and a snack,” he told arresting officers, continuing, “I’ve missed this planet. Nowhere else in the universe are there so many cats! Except that one planet that’s all cats but I’ve been banned from there.”
When asked why he thinks it’s okay to eat cats on planet Earth, Shumway responded, “Did you see the last remake of Cats?”
