Why “Not All Men” Isn’t the Defense You Think It Is

Structural inequality is still an issue

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There’s a familiar pattern that plays out every time a woman expresses rage publicly: a man will urge her to “tone it down.” Not to generalize. Not to alienate the “good guys.” To be more polite. To smile. To calm down.

This is not a call for productive dialogue. It’s a form of emotional policing, it shifts the focus from what a woman is saying to how she’s saying it — from content to delivery. And it’s designed to control the narrative.

What these tone-policing reactions ignore is that women’s anger is not random or misplaced. It comes from somewhere — from a long and unbroken history of being harassed, controlled, dismissed, silenced, and made to feel unsafe. We don’t owe anyone a softer tone when we’re speaking about survival.

This is not personal — it’s structural

One of the most common pushbacks women receive when speaking about gendered violence is: “Not all men,” as if we don’t already know that. As if women, of all people, haven’t spent their entire lives navigating the difference between “some men” and “safe men.” As if we haven’t been taught since childhood how to analyze, avoid, and accommodate male behavior for our own safety.