Member-only story
This armor? I paid dearly for it
I’m done apologizing for protecting myself from toxic attitudes towards younger Asian women from “my own kind”
“Did you notice?” My partner and I were steps away from home after a short jaunt around our old-ish neighborhood, which has a relatively high percentage of retirees. At the block before ours, we walked a gauntlet of old Chinese men, some with beers, who passed the time rheumatically sitting and gazing at passing traffic.
“Notice what?” I asked.
“Was I imagining that those old guys were glaring at me? And not just this time. Pretty often.” Our fingers were interlocked as we walked beside each other.
No, I hadn’t noticed. But I felt a slow smile growing on my face. “I don’t look,” I replied. “What do you think they were glaring for?”
“Me. Not being Chinese. And being paired with you.”
“You could be right.” And then I laughed, suddenly delighted that we — or anyone — could offend strange old Chinese men without even making an effort. The younger version of me had used to fear such grumpy old seniors — feared being screamed at or hit by them, or shamed and stonewalled.
I’m going to talk about Complex PTSD, EMDR therapy, and the healing we sometimes do not…
