How Authoritarianism, MAGA Culture, and Estranged Parents Align
Identifying the REAL epidemic in family estrangement
Nearly every article or media coverage on the topic of parent/adult child estrangement uses the term “epidemic” or asserts a dramatic “rise” in prevalence — invariably without any valid supporting data to accompany the claims. These are usually accompanied by a generational attribution and assertion of external causal factors be it social media or claims of unsavory therapeutic practices.
This coverage rarely if ever focuses on the dynamics of the relationship — outside of certain kinds of subjectively qualified abuse, of course. Nor do they consider that (gasp) those self proclaimed “good parents” who, after imposing those dynamics and refusing to re-evaluate their proclamations, may in fact be the reason their adult children voluntarily walked away from the most fundamental of all human bonds.
Long before the 2024 US election prompted very public assertions of irreconcilable differences within families over realization that political divides really represented deep and unbridgeable moral chasms, I had long noticed an uncanny parallel between my own journey into estrangement with my family, their ever more evident ultra right wing conservatism, conservatism in general, the broader patterns of estrangement and the qualities imbued among all.
When examined, the comment sections of both MAGA content and estranged parents forums reveal the same unhinged qualities and profound emotional maladaptation.
A case may be able to be made for an epidemic, but not the one that estranged parents and the majority of media coverage on the topic would have the masses believe.
The comment sections of both MAGA content and estranged parents forums reveal the same unhinged qualities and profound emotional maladaptation
The epidemic is the long entrenched fascination, endorsement and adoption by the emotionally stunted of religious authoritarianism — both within the family as an approach to parenting and in the halls of government.
“People who endorse authority and strong leaders and who do not mind inequality — the two basic dimensions underlying right-wing political ideology — show lower levels of emotional abilities.” — [emphasis added]
“Deficits in emotion understanding and emotion management are related to right-wing and prejudiced attitudes.” —
While perhaps those authoritarian leanings were not as seemingly overt in times past, with the state of the country as it is now with felon 47 illegally and illegitimately at the helm, all the masks pretending otherwise are melting off like the faces of the Nazi’s greedily gazing upon the Ark of the Covenant in Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark.
The Nazi’s in the film ignored the inherent warnings to not open the artifact in their quest for absolute power. MAGAs ignored the warnings to not vote for a felon insurrectionist who openly stated his intent to destroy the Constitution in his. Estranged parents ignored the pleas of their adult children to self reflect, relinquish their grasping onto parental hierarchy, take accountability for their harmful actions and behaviors (lack of intent or awareness being an unacceptable deflection) and engage in authentic repair.
In all instances, these parties eventually find themselves reaping the consequences of those self-serving decisions.
Authoritarian parenting has been among the most prevalently utilized especially within certain populations such as those adhering to a high level of religiosity. Whether overtly based in religion or simply packaged under the guise of “traditional family values,” it is also the most harmful — creating unabated family dysfunction which can then lead to eventual estrangement.
Similarly, authoritarian regimes have been growing globally and are the most harmful to healthy, productive societies. It is not an accident that fanatic religious nationalism is a consistent bedfellow of authoritarian governments.
“Authoritarianism has been found to correlate highly with religious fundamentalism.” —
“Authoritarian [parenting style] involves attempting to shape, control, and evaluate a child’s behavior, often using punitive and forceful measures such as threats and criticism when a child deviates from the ‘correct conduct.’”
—“Religious Authoritarian Parenting (RAP) is an approach to childrearing that prioritizes obedience to authority over all other aspects of childhood development, utilizing religion as further confirmation of the role humans play in submitting to authority. The goal of religious authoritarian parenting is to raise children who grow into adults that automatically submit to any authority that their parents consider to be God-ordained.” —
The tenants of authoritarianism and the estranged parents authoritarian playbook are the same and can be found reflected within the MAGA cult mentality.
As outlined by the , among the top elements of authoritarianism are:
- Divide and rule — Foment mistrust and fear; actively scapegoat and pit groups against each other.
We see this very clearly in the politics of MAGA towards any group not white, male-centric and Christian. It is highlighted in the demonization of trans people — trans women in particular. It being the ultimate of incomprehensible betrayals for someone assigned male at birth to seemingly voluntarily give up their position of cultural privilege to that of the oppressed and deemed inferior female gender.
In the toxic dysfunctional family, parents triangulate among the family members, leveraging them as flying monkeys. They disparage the truth teller who points out the dysfunction with the intention of isolating them, removing any support and destroying their credibility.
- Spread lies and conspiracies — Actively promote mis/disinformation; undermine the public’s belief in the truth.
Felon 47 was evaluated to have uttered over 30,000 clear lies in his first illegitimate presidency — an average of 21 lies for every day in office. That now seems like a mere warm up given current full throttled “flood the zone” strategies. He and the MAGA collective have dedicated themselves to the mantra of the propaganda minister of Nazi Germany, Joseph Goebbels: “If you keep telling lies, eventually people will believe it.”
Estranged parents engage in the smear campaign of the adult child who dares call them out their toxicity and engages their own agency to remove themselves from their parents’ sphere of control, entitlement and unrelinquished authority. These emotionally immature and developmentally stunted parents will engage in the creation of false narratives, dismissive minimizations, distortions and blatant lies in order to maintain an iron grip on their most precious possession — their manufactured egos, reputation and self image as a “good parent.”
- Demonize opponents and independent media: Undermine the public’s trust in those actors and institutions that hold the state accountable.
One of the first targets of authoritarian governments are the intellectuals and institutions of learning. An uneducated citizenry is a controllable citizenry.
Freedom of the press is attacked and discredited. The media representatives and outlets that shine a light on the illegality and destructiveness of the administration’s actions are stripped of their ability to report. Information is controlled and contained.
With estranged parents, as is borne out in the body of research, their number one deflective attribution for their estrangement is the third party. The ones not under their direct authority and control. It is the spouse, the significant other, the therapist and/or the influence of social media. Or all of the above.
They will demonize the spouse/significant other citing that all had been wonderful until they came along. They will broadly accuse therapists of promoting estrangement as a first course of action or infantilize their adult child as mindlessly jumping on an “out of control” social media trend to go no contact with their parents for shits, giggles and funzies.
It is delusion-level deflection and refusal to take accountability.
One of the first targets of authoritarian governments are the intellectuals and institutions of learning. An uneducated citizenry is a controllable citizenry.
The reality beneath all of it is the estranged parents’ quest for control, their entitled expectation of it, and their tsunami of outrage at the loss of it. It is a belief in a zero sum game where there is no relinquishing of hierarchy or recognition of their adult child’s own relational agency and autonomy. It is a complete absence of empathy or consideration of the uniquely lived experience of the actual person on the other end of their parenting. Only their view matters. Only their projection-based version of reality is reality.
An estranged parent who perhaps never gave off the aura of an authoritarian quickly becomes outed when faced with the loss of influence or dominance over the offspring they feel endlessly entitled to have access to and expect loyalty from.
As in the authoritarian state, with the emotionally immature authoritarian parent, the only thing that is acceptable is compliance. To not have unwavering and unquestioning deference from their offspring is revealed through their reactivity as a catastrophic threat to their entire world view.
Anything that deviates from that compliance and deference will be actively retaliated against. The more freethinking, independent and divergent from their own personal views their estranged child is, the more this holds true.
There is a pretense of love, but a bounty of evidence of cruelty once it becomes apparent they will not get their way.
“Here’s how you know people have evil tendencies — they never have regrets, only explanations. They never admit when they are wrong. They always have a way to twist the situation so they are never at fault. Notice how they act like the victim even when they’re the ones who caused the damage. If you want to know whether someone has evil tendencies, don’t focus on how they hurt you, look at whether or not they justify it.” —
There is always a twisted justification by the authoritarian acolyte, MAGA member or estranged parent for whatever harmful, destructive action or behavior they endorse or engage in. No amount of rational discourse or appeals to decency or humanity will penetrate their minds. These are people whose are consumed with adversarial thinking, a desperate need to believe themselves to be superior and a who get a dopamine rush of retaliatory vindictive glee in seeing or imagining othered groups suffer — including their own children whom they claim to love.
Just as the intervention of authoritarianism involves consistently and emphatically defying the silence the state attempts to implement, so too does addressing the “epidemic” of emotionally immature parenting that leads to estrangement.
There is a parallel of calling out the MAGA cult mind, shining a light on their consistency in voting against their own interests and highlighting the estranged parents’ role in steadfastly creating and maintaining the dysfunction that their adult child recognizes and wants no part in continuing to exist within.
Those who see it, see it clearly.
Those who don’t are the ones whose egos and self image would be destroyed through honest and accurate self reflection.
It is a complete absence of empathy or consideration of the uniquely lived experience of the actual person on the other end of their parenting. Only their view matters. Only their projection-based version of reality is reality.
Those who see the truth will continue being truth tellers about what is failing — on all fronts familial, societal, governmental and otherwise. For them, it will be about creating, finding and supporting the communities where space can be held for each other while also joining together to bring necessary and important truths to light — and to change the conversations.
To the rest — be it MAGA or estranged parents — it will be to you to see the light and help yourselves. The pain, destruction and hardship are all of your own making.
There is no longer tolerance for the intolerable.
For more stories about American politics and family structures, follow Fourth Wave. Have you got a story or poem that focuses on women or other targeted groups? Submit to the Wave!
