A Leaf in the River: How to Manifest Your Dreams
I hesitate to even tell you this secret, but on the other hand, many people won’t understand it.
There’s all kinds of bullshit out there about “manifesting” the life you want and how to “attract” wealth and success, but I’m telling you now that it’s all fake.
The “universe,” or whatever you want to call it, doesn’t care about the dreams or desires that you proclaim to a night sky. It doesn’t listen to your constant repetition of mantras or slogans or mindsets. In fact, the very reason why you’re reading this is because your entire approach to your future has been flawed, right? I’m willing to bet that almost none of the things you “want” have happened yet, and sadly, the more you try, the more desperate you smell. And guess what? The universe doesn’t like desperation. It actively repels it. It laughs at it. It’s laughing at you for how foolish you are, and it won’t stop laughing until you ignore it.
I’m Not Just Handing This to You: You’ll Have to Keep Reading to Find the Answers
Here’s a passage from the book Island by Aldous Huxley that captures what I’m talking about:
“It’s dark because you are trying too hard. Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly. Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply. Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them. I was so preposterously serious in those days, such a humorless little prig. Lightly, lightly — it’s the best advice ever given me. When it comes to dying even. Nothing ponderous, or portentous, or emphatic. No rhetoric, no tremolos, no self conscious persona putting on its celebrated imitation of Christ or Little Nell. And of course, no theology, no metaphysics. Just the fact of dying and the fact of the clear light. So throw away your baggage and go forward. There are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet, trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair. That’s why you must walk so lightly. Lightly my darling, on tiptoes and no luggage, not even a sponge bag, completely unencumbered.”
If that still seems confusing, here’s another passage from the book Siddhartha by Herman Hesse:
“When a person seeks,” Siddhartha said, “it can easily happen that his eye sees only the thing he is seeking; he is incapable of finding anything, of allowing anything to enter into him, because he is always thinking only of what he is looking for, because he has a goal, because he is possessed by his goal. Seeking means having a goal. Finding means being free, being open, having no goal. You, Venerable One, are perhaps indeed a seeker, for, striving to reach your goal, you overlook many things that lie close before your eyes.”
And another:
“Perhaps people like us cannot love. Ordinary people can — that is their secret.”
So how do these three passages make you feel? Be honest with yourself.
Are you someone that’s been trying too hard? Are you so hellbent on seeking that you’re not actually finding anything of substance? What do you notice about other people around you? Are you confused as to why they look so happy? How is it that other people are finding joy and love in their lives, but you’re feeling alone?
It’s a harsh reality to face, but instead of coming up with excuses about why your life isn’t where you want it to be, just admit it. Just admit that you really haven’t been living. You’ve been forcing — pushing your way upstream instead of letting the river take you somewhere unexpected.
Let me give you an example of what I mean.
My Dreams that Never Came True
In my memoir, The Boy With an Orchid, I wrote about a particular time in my life when I was pursuing my dream of being an actor. At the same time, my mother was dying from colon cancer.
Throughout her illness, I struggled with making the right choice because I was beaten down by ignorance. I was so focused on becoming an actor (or trying to be one) that I sacrificed precious time with my mom. I drove back and forth from LA to Michigan 9 different times. Whenever I was in LA, all I could think about was my mom getting chemotherapy. And when I was with her back in Michigan, all I could think about was getting back to LA to keep auditioning. My mind was everywhere else but focused on the present moment. I hoped and prayed endlessly for my situation to change — that I could book some incredible job that would give me money and fame to then lift my mother out of her sickness — but that never happened. For years, it never happened. Instead, I gave up those dreams and traveled to South Korea with my mom to see her family there one last time. The day she died, she asked me to pray with her, and in my frustration, I told her “no.” A group of doctors came into the room and told me to step outside. My mother looked at me and nodded for me to go. I didn’t realize that was the last time I would ever get to pray with her. I was too caught up in seeking, and the salvation I was really looking for was right under my nose.
I was 21 years old back then. I’m 33 now. Today, I’m still an actor, but not anywhere near the goal I strived for when I was younger. I’m not famous. I still work other jobs to make ends meet. I still audition for shows and actively participate in its pursuit, but acting doesn’t dominate my thoughts. It doesn’t control my life or my happiness. I know that clutching it too tightly only crushes the beauty of what it truly stands for — my life. It’s not a goal or a prize I can win. It’s simply my life, and I’m present for it.
Now with that in mind, let me show you a few different ways my thoughts have manifested into something real.
My Dreams that Actually Happened
When I was 14 years old, I rode my bike to the Chase bank to open an account.
I pulled out a wad of cash that I had saved up from my summer job and slid it over the counter to the teller. He laughed and gave me a puzzling look.
“How old are you?”
I threw the backpack around my shoulder.
“14. I want a checking account.”
He hit a few keys on the keyboard and smiled.
“Well you need a parent to come in here with you…”
I sighed and started to reach for my money when he suddenly stopped me.
“You know what, we just started this College Checking Account promotion a few weeks ago. You have to be 16 to enroll, but…I’ll let it slide here for you.”
My eyes lit up.
“Oh man, thank you! Yes, I’d love that. Yes, whatever you need.”
He took my money, clicked a few more keys and then asked me another question.
“Okay, so all I need now is the college you plan to go to after you graduate high school. Do you have a school a mind?”
I stared off into the distance. A college? Wow. I never even thought about school let alone going to a college. Do I even know of any schools? Growing up in Michigan, there was the obvious Michigan State or Western Michigan which was in my hometown, but none of those jumped out at me. And then, like a flash of lightning, it hit me. I remembered a few days before I was watching a college football game on TV — the Florida Gators vs. UCLA. I made a note of the teams because I remember both places were so foreign to me. I didn’t know much about Florida, but I knew that UCLA was in California, and the thought of surfers and Hollywood was exciting to me. The teller asked me the question again and broke me out of my daze.
“So what school are you thinking about?”
I nodded my head and smiled.
“UCLA. Los Angeles.”
“Got it. UCLA.”
He typed it into the computer and my account was opened. I never thought about it again.
Years later, right before my mother died, I enrolled in Santa Monica College to get my AA degree. It was her idea that I should enroll in school to give my life some sense of direction, so I signed up for a few classes. Then once she passed away, and I returned from Korea, I continued on and eventually got ready to transfer schools. I applied everywhere — USC, UC Berkley, UC Davis, UC Riverside, UCLA, Cal State Long Beach, Cal State Northridge. And as the acceptance letters started coming, I was completely surprised. I got into every school I applied to, and as I was reeling between Berkeley and USC (schools I never imagined I could attend), one more acceptance letter came in the mail on Mother’s Day, May 14th — coincidentally, it’s also my mother’s birthday. It was UCLA. When I opened the letter and read the note inside, it felt like my mom was speaking to me. The formal words of acceptance took on an emotional tone that felt like a message from the beyond. Instantly, I forgot about the other schools and knew, I just knew — UCLA was my choice.
It wasn’t until a year later I was back at the Chase bank in Culver City — depositing a scholarship check that I had won — into my account. When I handed it to the teller, she smiled and congratulated me.
“Wow. UCLA! That’s a great school. Congratulations!”
I blushed.
“Well thank you, it was a poetry scholarship that I won. That’s my major.”
She shook her head.
“No, no, it says here on your account that you go to UCLA.”
“Wait, what?”
I leaned over the counter and looked at the screen.
“See, right here. Your college checking account: UCLA. And here you are! That’s so cool. You’ve had this account for a long time.”
And then it hit me. Right then, I remembered the day I opened it. I chose UCLA without thinking — it was just a seed of an idea. I kept it so light and carefree, like throwing a leaf into a river, and somehow, here I was. I didn’t seek it. I didn’t force it. It just found me. I found myself, and I was surprised. I was happy, mystified, and surprised.
Other Manifestations
I won’t go into too much detail on other manifestations that I’ve noticed throughout my life, but they’ve all happened in a similar way to the story above. They came true with very little thinking or desire. They lived on the surface of my consciousness, not embedded too deep, and growing only so much as delicate roots that can sprawl and meander freely — and that can be plucked out if my life were to go some other way.
- I’ve managed to stay best friends with my buddy Josh since we were 5 years old. We’ve weathered long distances and years apart, and now we both live in Los Angeles.
- After college, I wanted to find a way to become a full-time writer, and within 2 years, and during COVID, I worked as a freelance writer and was able to launch my professional career.
- A few years ago, I developed an interest in painting, and now, I also work as a full-time artist, selling original paintings and photographs at art markets around the city.
- Ever since I was a teenager, I always thought VW buses were so cool, but I knew they were expensive. And then randomly one day in Venice, I had an opportunity to buy one at a steal. Now it’s my daily driver and I sell my artwork out of it.
- 6 years ago, I began writing my memoir as a series of blog posts, and now, I’ve completed The Boy With an Orchid, and I’m currently sending it out to agents.
- I recently ran into an old friend that I hadn’t seen in 14 years. A few weeks ago, I randomly saw her photo online and wondered how she was doing. And then suddenly, outside of a restaurant last week, she stepped out of the car and I recognized her immediately. We both couldn’t believe it.
- When I was a teenager, I fostered a dog named Wendy for two weeks and fell in love with her — a black lab mix. After I returned her, I thought that someday it would be great to love and care for another dog like her. 3 years ago, I rescued my dog Scuba, a black shepherd mix whose as crazy and goofy as ever — he reminds me of Wendy.
- This year, I booked my biggest role yet as an actor on a TV show called Mythic Quest — a recurring role as an artist named Storm. The show was recently canceled, but the experience was incredible, and I was prepared for it. Better yet, the disappointment of it ending was easy to accept.
And amidst all of these positive things, many negative things have happened, too, that I feel are part of the experience.
- There are so many roles I’ve auditioned for — ones I really wanted — but I never got.
- I recently applied to UCLA, my alma mater, to pursue an MFA in Art, and I was rejected.
- Back in 2017, immediately after graduating UCLA, I was accepted to San Francisco State to pursue an MFA in Poetry, but after a campus visit the following summer, I didn’t like it there. I denied the scholarship and stayed in LA.
- Two years ago, I was engaged to someone, but we decided to go our separate ways.
- I was hit by a truck on my bicycle back in 2018 — I’m lucky to be alive.
- I hate being so far away from my family in Michigan.
- I’ve grown apart from friends over the years, and new people are always circulating — coming and going.
- It can be hard to find purpose within so many pursuits and interests.
- I miss my mom every day, and the pain of losing her never leaves.
Destiny Only Makes Sense in Retrospect
If you’re still feeling like you don’t understand what I’m talking about, then maybe it’s because I don’t have all the answers you’re looking for.
I only know what’s true for me, and when taking stock of my life’s choices and outcomes, these are things I’ve discovered to be true because destiny only makes sense in retrospect. Yes, read that again. Destiny only makes sense in retrospect. So with that, what choice do we really have? All we can do is live, and keep going. We must keep floating down river, and in that process of being present, we begin to understand where we’ve started. We begin to understand where we end up and how we got there.
For the connections in my life — for what’s come true — they’ve all began as simple, fleeting ideas. Kernels. Seeds. Thoughts. Secrets on the wind. Embers in a fire. Smoke from a flame. A pattern of light on the floor. Steam from a cup. Tears in the rain. A leaf on the river. Forget about time and the ticking of the clock, and just keep things so weightless. Keep your hopes and desires like a drifting cloud — let them form and dissipate at will. Through both storms and sunsets, the illusions will fade away, and the force of reality will hit you when you least expect it. It’s a reality that you’ve created all along. It may not make sense now because you’re searching too hard — you’re forcing too many shapes in places they don’t belong. Let them go. See them for what they are and accept them in their presence. One day, you’ll see the patterns taking place, and the answers will reveal themselves as the right choice — how could they be any different?
How much of your fate has been up to you all along? What fears are holding you back? What illusions keep you from your true identity? Why are you swimming upstream? Do you see your reflection in the water? Can you see that time doesn’t exist? Everything moves at once, and what you see now is only a reflection of eternity.
