Mind the Sorry Gender Gap: Why Do Women Apologise More.
TLDR: The research is clear. Women do apologise more frequently than men.
This is not necessarily due to an inherent difference in character or so-called emotional fragility. Rather, it is influenced by social expectations, gendered stereotypes, and varying thresholds for what actually constitutes an offence (real or perceived). Here is what you can do about it.
by Marguerite Bellec
No matter how diverse the group of people you are coaching is from a background, education, technical skills levels or digital literacy point of view, some things will always happen. You will receive extension requests less than 24 hours before the end of a deadline. There will be one person who inexplicably will forget how microphones work in group calls: And someone will use inscrutable emojis (but what do you mean lama wearing a ski hat?). Oh and and your female fellows will always, always, apologise more than the men.
After a few sessions with young entrepreneurs I started doing a “sorry” buzzer in group calls that would make a loud noise every time sometime would apologise for something in the middle of a sentence. It seemed to be disproportionally in use whenever women were speaking (no matter if they were from the West Coast or Uganda). After gently suggesting to a young woman that she should stop working for free for a company that promised her payment months ago, I decided to have a look at the research. Here is what I found out.
Understanding the gender gap in apology behaviour: perceived vs real offences
In a “Why Women Apologize More Than Men: Gender Differences in Thresholds for Perceiving Offensive Behavior,” researchers Karina Schumann and Michael Ross sought to test the commonly held belief that women apologise more readily than men. The study’s design included two key experiments: a daily diary study and a follow-up survey evaluating imaginary and recalled offences. Important here to note that the study happened in the USA and in my experience working with global students, the cultural background can have a big impact.
The first study involved participants tracking their daily interactions, specifically the offences they committed or experienced and whether an apology was offered. The results revealed an interesting pattern: women reported offering more apologies than men, but they also reported committing more offences. Importantly, however, there was no significant difference in the proportion of offences that prompted apologies between genders.
This finding led to the researchers’ primary conclusion: women apologise more frequently than men not because they are inherently more apologetic, but because they perceive more situations as requiring an apology. In other words, women have a lower threshold for recognizing offensive behavior. They are more likely to interpret everyday interactions — whether intentional or unintentional — as offenses that warrant an apology. Men, on the other hand, tend to have a higher threshold for what they consider an offence and, therefore, apologise less often.
In the second study, Schumann and Ross further tested this hypothesis by asking participants to evaluate both imaginary and recalled situations. Once again, they found that men rated offences as less severe than women did. This gender difference in severity judgment directly correlated with the likelihood of offering an apology. Women, who perceived offences as more severe, were more inclined to apologise, while men were less likely to view certain behaviours as requiring an apology in the first place.
The role of gender stereotypes
In 2023, onducted by the University of Arizona revisited the issue of gender differences in apology behaviour. This research aimed to explore whether breaking down traditional gender stereotypes could lead to more effective communication and, potentially, more balanced apology behaviours.
Similar to Schumann and Ross’s findings, the University of Arizona study highlighted that women do, in fact, apologise more than men. However, the researchers found that this difference is partly due to the reinforcement of societal expectations and gendered stereotypes.
Women are socialised to be more nurturing, empathetic, and attuned to the emotional needs of others. These expectations encourage women to apologise more frequently, even when they are not entirely at fault. Men, conversely, are often socialised to be less emotionally expressive and more reluctant to admit fault, which could contribute to their lower frequency of apologies.
The University of Arizona study also noted that breaking these gendered stereotypes — encouraging both men and women to embrace vulnerability and emotional awareness — could lead to more balanced, effective communication. In workplaces and personal relationships, the research suggests that if men were encouraged to apologise more openly and women were given permission to refrain from apologising unnecessarily, it could foster healthier, more authentic interactions. Or, at the very least, a coffee machine that runs out of milk less often.
The situation is actually more nuanced than that: a language perspective from Deborah Cameron
While much of the research into why women apologise more frequently than men points to the psychological and societal factors discussed earlier, there’s another layer to consider, as explained by Deborah Cameron, Professor of Language and Communication at Oxford University. Cameron argues that the idea of women over-apologizing out of deference or inferiority is too simplistic. In her discussion of Janet Holmes’ seminal research on gender differences in apology behaviour, that the way women apologise is deeply intertwined with gendered expectations and the roles society assigns to them.
Holmes’ 1990s study, which recorded naturally occurring conversations in a variety of social settings, found that women were more likely to apologise to other women than to men. In fact, 55% of the apologies in Holmes’ data came from women apologising to other women, compared to only 18% of apologies from women to men, and 17% from men to women. This indicates that the act of apologising isn’t necessarily a sign of weakness or a lack of self-esteem, as some stereotypes suggest, but is often linked to the relationship dynamics between women.
Cameron notes that women tend to view apologizing more positively than men. For women, an apology doesn’t necessarily signify guilt or inadequacy; rather, it’s often seen as a way of maintaining social harmony and showing concern for others’ well-being. Women are also more likely to apologise for “space and talk offences” — minor transgressions like interrupting or inadvertently touching someone — which are behaviours more often committed against women, particularly by men. This suggests that women may be more sensitive to these types of offences because they’re socialised to be aware of and manage the feelings of others, particularly in the context of gendered interactions.
Rather than being a form of self-deprecation, Cameron argues, an apology from a woman often signals empathy and a desire to restore peace. For example, when apologising for sending back a dish at a restaurant (something that personally makes me break out in hives), a woman may not be admitting fault but instead acknowledging the inconvenience and discomfort the situation causes the restaurant staff. Similarly, apologising to a boss for interrupting a conversation could simply be a way to recognise their busy schedule and maintain a smooth working dynamic, rather than a sign of weakness.
Cameron also notes that apologising can be viewed as a form of emotional labor, a task that women are often expected to perform in order to maintain social harmony. Whether they are in caregiving roles or not, women are often expected to manage not only their own feelings but also the emotions of others. This societal expectation is deeply ingrained, with women regularly cast as the emotional caretakers in social interactions, not only in their private life but also at work. Think about how many times a female colleague noticed you were looking tired or asked about your workload. Their more frequent use of apologies could be seen less as a personality flaw and more as a response to the emotional labor expected of them in everyday life.
So why does this matter?
Understanding why women apologise more than men sheds light on the deeper issues of gender norms, emotional labor, and communication dynamics. It challenges the notion that women apologise more because they are inherently more “fragile” or more concerned with maintaining social harmony. Rather, it suggests that women are more attuned to their own behaviour and its potential impact on others, often viewing situations through a lens of empathy and relational responsibility.
On the other hand, men’s higher threshold for what constitutes an offence may be influenced by cultural factors that encourage them to minimise emotional vulnerability and preserve their social status. This behaviour could have implications not only for personal relationships but also for professional settings, where an unwillingness to apologise or take responsibility can lead to misunderstandings and conflict.
So what now?
There are many things you can do as a man or woman to work on your communication.
1. Pause and reflect before apologising (or sending that email)
Instead of immediately apologising when you think you’ve made a mistake, take a moment to assess the situation. Ask yourself, “Is this something I need to apologise for?” or “Is there another way to address this without apologising?” Sometimes, simply recognizing that you don’t need to apologize can help break the cycle. You can even use a handy that highlights keywords and phrases in your emails that might undermine the point you’re trying to make. It was devised by Tami Reiss at Cyrus Innovation after a discussion at a networking event. The women present all admitted they had a tendency to use the words “just” and “sorry” when they didn’t really mean them.
2. Use alternative phrases
Instead of saying “sorry” by default, try using other phrases that express awareness or empathy without implying fault. For example:
- “Thank you for your patience.”
- “I appreciate your understanding.”
- “I see what you mean.”
- “Let’s fix this.”
3. Identify your triggers
Pay attention to the situations or feelings that trigger your habit of over-apologising. Is it when you’re feeling uncertain or when you’re trying to avoid conflict? By identifying these triggers, you can better prepare yourself to respond in ways that are more balanced.
And of course, do not hesitate to (gently) point out to a female colleague or friend if she is over-apologising.
Thank you for reading!
