PERSONAL ESSAY

When You Don’t Quite Belong

Being alone and lonely aren’t the same

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There’s a place I avoid whenever I can. Office gatherings. The forced laughter. The clinking of glasses and raised voices swallowed me whole.

I’m at my desk when she comes over, smiling like she’s already got the answer before the question even leaves her lips. Leaning in like we’re old friends. “Are you coming to the team gathering?” she asks.

I pause, let the words hang in the air for a second, and then I reach for the excuse that hasn’t been used. “Oh,” I say. “I wish I could, but it’s my boyfriend’s birthday.” Fake a sorry smile. She shrugs, says fine, and walks away. She doesn’t care, but she has to ask, you know? It’s part of her job.

As she goes, I release a breath I didn’t even know I was holding.

Dodged another one.

Truth is, crowds aren’t my thing. Never have been. Too many faces, too many voices all at once, like standing in a room where the walls are closing in.

It’s a wedding. I’m sitting around a table with strangers, nodding and laughing at jokes that fall flat, hoping I won’t be next in their line of fire.

Some guy leans in and asks how I’ve been, like he really cares. I don’t remember his…