Thoughts a Daughter of a Narcissistic Mother wished she could say.
Mom, I wish I could get you to understand that I’m very hurt.
I’m hurt because You have played favorites all my life with my sibling yet you don’t see it or maybe You don’t care. Perhaps You have hated me from birth I don’t know. All I know is it is soul-crushing.
The times You have always been there for them but not me.Times I wanted your attention and understanding. I didn’t get it.
Times I wanted you to Validate the things I went through You didn’t give it.
I have tried to talk to you adult to adult but instead, you make excuses, invalidate my experiences, or deny them.
We are not talking now because I said something truthful but you didn’t want to hear it. You don’t want to take accountability for the things you said and did.
It’s all the past is the past to you. While I sit here wondering Why? Why was I treated so differently? Why did I get treated the way I did?
I know now I didn’t deserve it. I deserved Unconditional Love, not guilt trips, manipulations, and Gas lightning.
I remember my soul crying out from the pain because I thought I was the one. I didn’t do something right. Maybe I said something wrong. It was always my fault.
As your daughter I wanted us to be Best friends. It’s hard though when Everything has to be your way no matter my feelings
I had to take a step back You were suffocating me and not giving me the room to be Me.
You wanted me to be that so desperately. I am not you.
The callous reactions I got throughout my life. Things that were devastating to me meant nothing to you. The time I was on the playground I came home dirty and my clothes were torn.
I told you a boy was trying to rip my clothes off all I got was Look at what you did to your beautiful dresses. Now I guess you get pants now. You didn’t care about how it made me feel. Both things were traumatic.
All I ever knew was Verbal abuse but you didn’t protect me or my Sibling. As a child, a parent is supposed to protect and support.
We were supposed to be the housekeepers as children. Clean this, clean that, Do this, Do that. We had no opinions.
Physical abuse We had that too in the form of punishment. You would even punish me knowing I didn’t do whatever the offending thing was. Just to get an admission of guilt from a sibling that never opened their mouth.
You said I was a hyper child just because I was excited to tell you about my day. But you gave my sibling candy. To this day the things you think now are the same as you thought then.
Through the years We should look at things through more mature eyes. We were children.
You say I was 19 but yet you still think the same. You say I did my best yet you still do the same things.
I understand generational trauma and I try to get you to understand. Yet you shut down and don’t want to talk about it.
I saw myself having some of the same behaviors and I knew then I needed to do something. When your default is yelling and calling people names. Something is wrong with your programming.
My programming was wrong. I admit Mom yours was too. You don’t see that though.
So I’m to go through this alone with a Mom I desperately wished would listen but would not.
We all have trauma We go through. Most will go through life thinking this is how I am. Maybe the way you are is because of the trauma you experienced.
It rewires your brain. Your Amygdala becomes hyperaware and this causes anxiety, fear, memory loss, not controlling your emotions, and many others.
To be a better human We have to look within and go back from scratch. Those things We were told they were lies. I am capable, I am smart, I am pretty, I do matter, My feelings are valid are things We have to continually tell ourselves.
We have to work on our Emotional Intelligence. To pause when someone tries to goad us in an argument. Some people will forever misunderstand us. We have to learn there are people Unfortunately who like to manipulate. You have to learn to be able to recognize it and shut it down.
Mom I can’t ever make you open your eyes and I can’t get you to heal if you don’t want to. It looks like this will be the case.
I want to though and I will be the only one in my family who tries. My child deserves this as I deserved it from you.
Your eyes will forever be closed to what you can change. I’m looking forward to how far I can go. I know it will take a long time getting these thoughts out of my head and learn how to respond differently.
All I know is Staying the same is not an option for me.
