Advice Column

Dear Libby: This Bitch’s Thoughts About Your Problems

Good Christ, Lay ’Em On Me, I’ll Do My Best

I might look like I’m annoyed by your letters, but that’s only because I probably am.

Well, it’s the second round of Dear Libby, Mooch’s Advice Column. I specialize in tough love with some common sense canine wisdom. I have five letters to answer today, so let’s not waste any more goddamn time. The ghosts of Ann Landers and Dear Abby will have my furry ass if we don’t get through these. Here the fuck we go.

Dear Libby,

I find myself in a bit of a Halloween predicament. I live with my partner in a large city. Since coming to live in the “big city” from a rural farming area, I have come to love providing for kids something that I wasn’t able to enjoy as a kid. We are the house on the street with the big candy bars. We love trick-or-treaters, Halloween, and all things spooky and magical.

Now we come to the problem. Our neighborhood is full of trunk-or-treat, harvest-festival-touting families who have decided for the second year now to close our street so they can hide from local trick-or-treaters and hold a secret, pasty block party out of view. Last year we tried luring the local kids to our street waving our big candy, but it only worked in part. What do you suggest we do this year to make sure that kids know WE ARE OPEN?