The Unending Pain of Losing a Child

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A short musing of the rollercoaster of emotions as I walk the path of a grieving mom. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of Colton.

Two years is now here. They call it an anniversary, but what’s to celebrate? The hollow word feels like a slap in the face, a cruel reminder of the gaping hole where my Colton used to be. They say the second year is worse, and I think, “How can it be?” Didn’t the world shatter the day I heard the news? Didn’t my heart break into a million pieces then? How could it hurt more?

A realization hit me like a wave. My silence, the unanswered calls, the lack of connection to so many people — it all stemmed from the grief of losing Colton.

Each day a reminder of the gaping hole where Colton once stood. The phone calls, the plans, the laughter — all echoes in a deafening silence. Even surrounded by miles traveled, countries explored, jobs switched, homes purchased, new cars, adorning my body with beautiful art, pounds gained and lost, the time feels like a cruel trick. All these vibrant changes fade in the shadow of that single, devastating day.

My life is forever altered, painted with the dull ache of his absence. My laughter echoes hollow, my smile strained, the world muted in his absence.