What Evangelical Parents Still Don’t Understand About Their Gay Kids
How Misguided Theology Fuels Depression, Shame, and Suicide in LGBTQ+ Youth
I nearly ended my life.
Twice.
Not because I hated being gay, but because I was told God did.
According to by Bill Henson, 85% of LGBTQ+ youth in rejecting families (usually Evangelical or Fundamentalist) feel unsafe coming out. They’re 91% more likely to be bullied. And they’re up to eight times more likely to attempt suicide than their straight peers.
These aren’t just numbers to me. They’re a mirror.
Typical Scenarios Among Gay Christians Who Later Consider Suicide
An eight-year-old boy wants to play on the playground during recess. He feels more comfortable with the girls. The other boys’ natural “rough and tumble” ways of having fun seem intimidating to the boy. Occasionally, he has tried to join the boys, but they seem to not welcome him. He occasionally hears some of the other boys calling him names like “gay, faggot, and sissy.” He is not sure what those words mean, but he knows it is a put-down. Once, a bully pushed him down into the dirt. All he can think about is, “Why don’t they like me?”
A 14-year-old young man feels like a misfit in his Evangelical church’s youth ministry. He has a dark secret that he has never told anyone: he thinks he is gay. One day, he approaches his youth pastor after everyone else has left. He courageously confides that he thinks he might be gay. The youth pastor is very kind and comforting. He reassures the young man that this is just a phase that he will outgrow. The youth pastor also informs him that there are confidential groups for males who are “struggling with same-sex attraction.” Furthermore, he informs the young man that he has heard of people who have “left homosexuality” and have later become happily married to their wives.
A college gay person listens to his Fundamentalist pastor tell the congregation, “We must pray for our country. Gay rights steadily increase, as do gay marriages. But we know that gays can only mock God’s truth for so long. As the Word declares, gays are an abomination and there is no place for them in the Kingdom of Heaven.”
A gay man marries a woman, believing his same-sex attraction will fade. He occasionally enjoys intercourse with his wife, but his same-sex attractions remain. He has never been unfaithful to his wife. The husband eventually feels a moral obligation to tell his wife that he is gay — and that he is deeply in love with her and will never leave her. She explodes and screams at him, “Why didn’t you tell me this in the first place. I would have never married you if I knew this!” The wife spends the rest of their marriage closely watching her husband and checking up on his every activity. She even requires him to take a lie-detector test (which he passes). He feels hopeless, since he knows he cannot eliminate his same-sex attractions.
Depression and the Gay Christian
According to the Journal of American College Health, there is strong research that demonstrated the connection between having clinical depression and being gay. Being gay, in and of itself, is not a cause of depression. However, cultural, religious, and family abuse of gays is very likely to cause depression.
Clinical depression is a very debilitating condition to be in. It is not something that is simply “all in your head,” nor something to casually dismiss as a passing emotion that will soon end. Depression brings down the mood of the person, reduces the person’s desire to engage with life, and can feel as though it is never going to end.
Depression is also often a precursor to suicide thoughts or actual suicide.
According to the, 60% of people who die through suicide had been diagnosed with depression or some mood disorder. That statistic goes even higher if the person has been plagued with social isolation. And many gay Christians feel detached from friendship, their church, and their gay-disdaining parents.
Here’s a hard truth I’ve seen again and again: show me a male (especially in his teens) who has clinical depression, and I will show you someone who may very well be struggling with being gay.
Not all gay Christians deal with depression, but according to , gays in general are at a higher risk than their straight peers.
Depression is treatable. Just ask me. I am clinically diagnosed with acute depression. I have had two very real incidents of suicidal thoughts. And yet today I am a happy, stabilized person. Most people describe me as “someone who is always smiling and kind.” So, what are my secrets for overcoming depression? First, I stay on my anti-depression medications. Also, I have a very positive viewpoint about my gay identity (i.e., “There is nothing wrong with being gay; it is simply a different attraction”). Furthermore, I have a gay husband who is incredibly loving, plus two wonderful adult “kids” who fully affirm me. Finally, I also belong to a church that affirms gays and provides them exactly the same rights and opportunities as those who are straight.
If you are an Evangelical or Fundamentalist reading this article, and you have a gay son, please never provide him anti-gay messaging! Please help him find other gay Christians who can be his friend. Please introduce him to a gay affirming church that love Jesus.
Please don’t let your theology become your child’s trauma.
Be the love of Jesus to them. Fully. Freely. Without conditions.
Dr. Mike Rosebush (Ph.D., Counseling Psychology; he, him, his;) is the author of . A short synopsis of Dr. Rosebush’s life can be found at I Lived the Most Unusual Gay Christian Life Ever. He may be contacted at [email protected].
