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Before I knew anything about neurodivergence, I could not figure out why I was constantly feeling pulled towards contradictory things – usually, things no one else seemed so strongly attracted to.
Once I learnt about autism and ADHD, which I both meet the criteria for, things became a bit more clear. But still — the labels feel impersonal, and somewhat superficial in explaining the actual workings of a mind. At the end of the day, everyone is different, and the most important thing is to know how you work, as an individual.
One thing that has been helpful for me is to reflect on internal reward systems, i.e. what creates a good feeling for the brain? What creates the motivation (and hence the ability) to do something? Reward systems are not really conscious processes, or particularly modifiable through thought, but rather structures built deep in the brain that govern a lot of our functioning. In other words, reward systems govern how we charge and spend our energy, what we react to, what we feel is important to us.
Over time, I realized that I have parallel reward systems that work differently from each other. These reward systems can be connected to the “Big 5 Personality Traits”…
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Reflections on the neurodivergent experience and social justice. May contain occasional madness and astral metaphors.