A News Bouche: October 11, 2024
Hurricane season is getting longer. This year is the first time in Florida history that there have been two major hurricanes after September. Other things that have never happened in Florida history: Floridians saying, “I wish more New Yorkers would visit”; New Yorkers saying, “The beaches are OK but I like coming here for the culture”; and Ron DeSantis being tall enough to go on all of the rides at Disney.
Warner Bros is forcing a local library in Wyoming to cancel their Harry Potter-themed activities citing copyright infringement. The cease & desist order was sent by Warner Bros’ new law firm, Malfoy & Dursley. Personally I think it’s great that they are coming down hard on the real villains in this story: children’s librarians. They’ve been corrupting our youth for too long. I grew up thinking green eggs and ham were delicious, but when I tried some that I found in a dumpster it just tasted like betrayal.
An Oklahoma man is accused of stealing an ambulance to drive himself to court where he was facing charges for stealing a car. And they say our country doesn’t have high speed public transit! The crazy thing is that even with the jail time it’ll be cheaper than a regular ambulance ride.
Scientists have confirmed that Mount Everest has grown an additional 164 feet due to river erosion. This refutes an earlier theory that the mountain was lying about its height in order to match with more lady mountains on Bumble.
Alaska’s Fat Bear Week competition was postponed because one of the contestants killed another one in a fight that was caught on-camera. While that is some shady behavior, it isn’t explicitly against the rules. I thought he retired, but apparently Bill Belichick is coaching the bears. Personally I think bear-on-bear violence should stay where it belongs: on Fire Island during Pride month, in a pool filled with Jell-O.
A man bid $4,000 for a guitar signed by Taylor Swift at an auction just so he could destroy it — and it turned out to be fake. He destroyed a signed guitar, not a signed guitar (Taylor’s version). The auction was to raise money for rural education. The first lesson: how to spot a fake auction prize.
A man has been sentenced to jail for cloning hybrid sheep illegally. Have Patagonia sweaters really gotten that expensive? This is a man who takes Settlers of Catan very seriously. He’s cornering the sheep market and collecting all the Development Cards.
To get around Western sanctions, Russia has agreed to barter with countries like Pakistan, trading thousands of pounds of chickpeas and lentils for thousands of pounds of mandarin oranges and rice. Looks like the details of how Russia was able to bribe Trump are coming to light…
Kamala Harris is campaigning with Liz Cheney to help woo Republican voters. Her campaign originally wanted Dick Cheney to join, but he was unavailable as he needs to oversee the construction of yet another Death Star.
In a shrewd political move, President Biden announced a 10-year mandate to replace lead pipes for drinking water across the nation. Given lead’s status as a neurotoxin that can cause brain damage, removing it from Americans’ drinking water is a huge threat to Trump and the MAGA movement.
