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A News Bouche: Luigi’s Mansion
Bite-sized News for 12.23.2024
Luigi Mangione was arraigned for allegedly shooting the CEO of UnitedHealthcare, and was brought to the courtroom wearing chain . Women in the courtroom were overheard shouting, “So Luigi, do you…like being tied up?”
A patient at a children’s hospital who was visited by Taylor Swift and described her outfit as “tea” received an unexpected gift from the megastar: that the girl complimented. The patient was quoted as saying, “She couldn’t have washed it first?” She then discovered a note inside that said “wash this and send it back to me.”
A Texas Republican congresswoman that has been missing for six months was found . She is surrounded by people with no real understanding of their history or how to make sense of the world around them, so naturally she thinks she’s still at work. Doctors at the facility fear that if her mental condition gets any worse, the Texas Republican Party might nominate her to run for President.
A man who has been found. The man is quoted as saying, “Wait so you guys fixed that Y2K thing? Why didn’t anyone come get me?!”
Avril Lavigne has announced she is in 2025. Fans are reportedly very excited to see which artist’s hits she’ll be performing.
Timothée Chalamet offered to levied on the host of the Timothée Chalamet Lookalike Contest. Meanwhile, the bulldog/pug mix who won the Rudy Giuliano Lookalike Contest received no such offer.
