Finding Simple Happiness When All Seems Lost
Suicide prevention counselor explains how to get past black-and-white thinking
I’ve spoken with countless people in suicidal crisis. Thousands, in fact. Somehow, I’ve identified a common pattern in all these conversations. And this could benefit everyone, even those who are happy and fulfilled.
Working at a suicide hotline is challenging. Typically, I receive one call every hour or two from someone who has lost control. I spend about 30 to 45 minutes with each caller, unpacking what’s happening, how they feel, and what small steps might make them feel a bit better.
After hanging up, I transcribe everything into a file and prepare for the next call.
This job is emotionally demanding due to the volume of emotions we encounter daily. The human brain is wired to sync with the emotions of our surroundings. This phenomenon is known as primitive emotional contagion ().
This is why depressed individuals often avoid social gatherings. They anticipate being outliers, feeling a mood drop when they arrive, and the pressure to fake happiness ultimately makes them feel worse.
As a counselor, I face a similar challenge. After a 12-hour shift, my emotional state often mirrors those I’ve spoken with. That’s why it’s crucial not to bring work home, as it can overwhelm me and prevent me from being able to correctly do my job.
Losing control occurs when emotional thinking dominates, leaving little to no room for logical reasoning.
To be clear, I don’t condemn emotional thinking. It’s essential for achieving fulfillment and happiness. However, being entirely emotional, just like being entirely logical, can be problematic. It’s important to find a balance between the two.
Black-and-white thinking
At the beginning of a call, people are usually in a black-and-white thinking mode. My job is to help them realize it.
First, I engage in what’s called normalizing emotions. To break the cycle of black-and-white thinking, it’s crucial for the person to feel heard and to understand that their feelings are normal given their situation.
Usually, emotion normalization helps people calm down and reduces their emotional intensity. Afterward, I try to help them make sense of what just happened.
How can you recognize when emotional thinking has taken over? You need to listen to the internal dialogue and observe how the person perceives and describes the world. It’s my job to identify these signs and reflect them back to the person. This typically involves noticing statements like:
I’m useless.
Others are perfect.
I’m a complete mess.
I need to be perfect.
I’m a lost cause.
The only solution is suicide.
My family would be better off without me.
I’ve failed at everything.
I’m not normal.
I can’t do anything right.
I suck.
Everyone has these types of thoughts at some point; we are emotional beings, and it’s perfectly normal. However, in reality, life is nuanced, and nothing is so categorical.
The problem with this type of thinking is that we often try to suppress it by distracting ourselves. It’s really unpleasant to feel like that, and our brains are desperate to be entertained.
That’s why we might spend five hours watching TikTok or YouTube videos without realizing it. When we return to awareness, we often feel even more frustrated because we haven’t accomplished the things we were supposed to do.
This then leads to even more black-and-white thinking.
The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change. — Carl Rogers
Once people understand they’re in a black-and-white mindset, have calmed down, and are ready to think rationally, I ask them what would make them feel better.
Timing is crucial. If asked too soon, they might snap that nothing will make them feel better. They might say that they are a lost cause. If this happens, I go back to step #1: emotion normalization.
However, if they are ready to think and speak logically, I always ask why they continue fighting and what reasons they have to live through their struggles.
The common pattern
At this point, one might imagine that major achievements are what keep people going — the prestigious job they secured, the large house they bought years ago, or the promotion they expect next quarter.
However, I’ve never actually heard someone cite such milestones. Instead, it’s always the simplest joys that they mention:
When I wake up, my cat comes to cuddle for a few minutes.
I make pancakes for my children on Sundays, and their smiles give me hope.
I help my elderly neighbor with his groceries.
The first sip of coffee I take in the morning.
The last 30 minutes of reading before bed.
My dog is always happy to go for a walk with me.
The dance class I take once a week, where I truly feel free.
The weekend of wild camping I do each year with my childhood friends.
I find it fascinating that despite the daily horrors some people endure, it’s the simplest joys that keep them fighting.
These moments are profoundly powerful. They enable individuals to move forward in life, even along paths strewn with thorns. They continue, enduring the scratches, because they realize that among the thorns, there are also roses.
Sometimes, all we need is to pick a rose and smell it, savoring the powerful aromas that bring a smile to our faces.
Life will be difficult for everyone. This is a universal rule. Everyone will face hard times. Of course, some lives are harder than others. There’s no doubt about that.
For some, thorns will appear at every step they take, while others may encounter thorns only once a year. But the more thorns there are, the more roses can flourish.
We just must remember that the simplest joys are the most important. But they’re also the most easy to forget.
What are your simplest joys?
About me
Thank you for reading and commenting!
I’m a master’s student in epidemiology at the Université de Montréal and a part-time counselor at a suicide hotline. My research focuses on suicide, mental health, and cannabis.
Here’s another one of my stories:
