Member-only story
The World Taught Us To Be Toxic
Gaslighting, paternalism — why don’t we try some honesty for a change?
Gaslighting
If you do not have a Medium membership, please do read the free version here.
Have you ever had someone tell you, “That’s not what you said.”? How about, “You assumed I was coming.”? Or, “You can achieve anything you put your mind to.”? I have heard these more times than I can count. They have always made me angry. Now I understand why.
These are examples of gaslighting. The OED has an entry for this: gaslight (v) manipulate (someone) using psychological methods into questioning their own sanity or powers of reasoning. That does a good job of the “what” of gaslighting, but for my part I think the “how” is the more relevant. How do we use manipulation to make people question their powers of reasoning?
In simplest terms, we gaslight by dictating other people’s reality to them. When we tell someone what they said, even if we are right, we are gaslighting them. Same when we tell someone what they were thinking or what they can achieve. When we dictate someone’s reality to them, we are causing harm. The sad part is that most of us were taught how to gaslight from an early age. Even worse, many forms of gaslighting are completely socially acceptable.
