From Toxic Cycles to Creative Freedom
A journey of reclaiming self-worth, breaking patterns, and creating a life on purpose.
In that instant, as his hands closed around my throat in a fit of rage, my world shattered–again. My trust, my safety and the illusion that I had left abuse behind vanished in an instant. Four years after leaving my abusive husband, I found myself right back where I swore I would never be again, entangled in another abusive relationship.
I was all too familiar with the cycle of abuse–the manipulation, the gaslighting, the malicious ways they find to keep you doubting yourself and question your reality. I could recite this script by heart, every line memorized, every move anticipated. But this time, however, I refused to wait for the insincere apologies, the fake promises of change, or the brief glimpses of the man I had fallen in love with. Not again. Not this time.
Having lived and relived this chapter before, I took a hard look inward, replaying how I had escaped the last time and confronted how I had ended up here again. Same story, different antagonist. I began with asking myself some difficult questions… Why was this happening again and what can I learn from it? How can I finally end this cycle for good? And most importantly, this is the question I now ask myself every single day–what steps can I take today to create a life where I am truly free?
For those of us who have endured abuse, the conditioning to blame ourselves runs deep, especially when gaslighting distorts our reality. In the past, I’d find myself wondering, what did I do to cause his violent outburst? Did I yell too loudly? Was it something I said? But this time, while I still questioned what I had done to end up in another abusive relationship, my questions came from a place of empowerment.
And from this place of compassionate curiosity, I had an epiphany; true freedom demands more than just escape. It requires an unwavering commitment to choose yourself–again and again– over the destructive patterns that have shaped your past.
Amidst the devastation, this clarity emerged; healing isn’t a destination. It is a lifelong practice, a daily commitment to choose myself over the unsettling comfort I found in toxic relationships. I needed to commit to addressing the internalized patterns that kept me looped in unhealthy cycles in relationships. And this time, I was determined to heal with more focus and depth.
I began by returning to therapy, not just to understand why I made the choices I did, but to truly transform how I viewed myself, how I loved myself. Therapy became my safe space to unpack years of internalized shame and trauma. It taught me how to truly connect with myself, and how to identify and honour my own boundaries without guilt, and to see my self-worth as non-negotiable. This shift expanded my world and laid the groundwork for complementary healing practices like mindfulness.
Mindfulness became essential in my healing. Through daily meditation, I learned to sit with discomfort instead of reacting to it. Although the stillness and silence were initially unbearable, it became a way to listen to my inner voice with compassion rather than drowning it out with external validation.
This shift was foundational in breaking free from the cycle of abuse. In these moments of meditation, I learned who my essential self was. My body began to feel like home to me for the first time in my life. And I fell deeply in love with myself during these quiet moments. I learned to regulate my emotions and crave peace over chaos. That’s when my body shouted to me– we will never be abused again– and the most profound thing happened, I believed it.
Leaving behind what no longer served me was perhaps the hardest part because this meant closing the businesses I had spent decades building, one of them with the man who assaulted me. It felt as though I was unravelling everything I had worked so hard for, and yet, it was necessary. Staying would have meant abandoning myself– sacrificing my own well-being day after day because I knew I couldn’t fully sever the toxic dynamics while we remained business partners.
I had tried that many times over the years but he used our business connection as a means of hoovering me back into the cycle I was desperate to leave. He was the one who chose to assault me, but now, it was my turn to choose– to choose freedom, healing, and the life I deserved.
In this journey of self-discovery, I uncovered an unexpected truth: I hated owning businesses. On the surface, I had been successful as a midwife and owner of a thriving wellness clinic. I was inspired by parts of the work, especially the health education and advocating for people to take control of their wellness. But in the quiet moments, I realized that I had been living my ex-partner’s version of success, not my own. The pressure of managing businesses, being everything to everyone, the corporate grind, the constant drive to expand, more than drained me– it made me hate waking up each morning.
What truly lit me up, what had always sparked a fire in my soul, was challenging cultural beliefs, and breaking down the walls of conventional thought through creating art and writing. These creative outlets had been both my release and my connection to myself. But somewhere along the way, I had pushed them aside, caught in the pressures of business operations and fear of failure. I had spent decades building something that wasn’t mine because it’s what I felt my partners admired most about me.
As I stepped away from toxic relationships, I confronted the patterns of why and how I found myself craving love from unavailable abusive men. In this space of radical self-acceptance, I found freedom in creation. I realized if I could build and grow successful businesses without passion, imagine what I could do if I poured that energy into something I loved!
So now I am taking that big leap of faith, faith in myself that I can do hard things. Writing and art are no longer hobbies; they are my life’s work. They allow me to speak the truths I long ago silenced. They allow me to question, explore and expand my worldviews, and to push the boundaries of societal conditioning.
I no longer look to external validation or external definitions of success, I am unwaveringly committed to creating works that inspire myself, and hopefully within that process others, to think differently, to question and to grow.
I now realize that true freedom lies in the power of creating. It’s about building a life that excites and inspires — a life that makes me want to wake up each day with love and gratitude. I’m no longer following someone else’s script. I’m writing my own. One that is rooted in authenticity, creativity, and boldness.
As I now fill my days with writing and creating art, I am reminded that anything I imagine can become reality. This belief now fuels my fearlessness–not just in creating art, but in creating the life I want.
So now, I invite you to follow along as I explore these themes and more. Through reflective essays, fictional storytelling, and art, I hope to challenge societal norms, start meaningful conversations, and embrace the transformative power of creativity–one word at a time.
I would love to hear your thoughts on this journey. What resonates with you? Have you faced challenges in breaking toxic cycles? I truly want to spark thoughtful conversation. Together let’s create a space where we can all learn, grow and heal together.
Consider following along for more insights and stories.
With creativity and joy,
JEM
