Betrayal Trauma is a Death

“No, not again, he can’t be doing this again, especially now, please God say it isn’t true”.

I sat there on the bathroom floor shaking, begging the Universe, divine power, Jesus, Oprah, anybody I could think of that my husband wasn’t being unfaithful, the day after I had my D&C for my miscarriage.

The sound of my heartbeat and the painful scream that emerged from deep in my gut is a sound I’ll never be able to forget. It was a primal, visceral, heart-shattered cry that escaped my throat as I slumped to the floor.

I thought losing a baby would be the only hard thing I would have to go through that week. Having to put away the onesies we had purchased while dreaming what our little one might look like when he or she made their entrance into the world on December 13th (the projected due date).

Little did I know that December 13th would be the day I would have to clean out my belongings in the apartment we shared together after my husband abandoned me upon finding out about his secret life.

The images that emerged on his phone when I finally grabbed it and locked myself in the bathroom, still keep me up at night. Drenched in sweat, dry heaving over the toilet through uncontrollable sobs, the messages he sent to webcam girls as I was still…