Spiraling

A poem about Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria

Photo image of poem by author with original formatting

I wish I didn’t care,
that words rolled off my back,
that I didn’t read questions
in each statement made,
that I didn’t question
each statement I make,
that fear of rejection
didn’t manifest in retort,
that I could resort
to quiet understanding first.
Second guessing everything,
hoping it will all come out right
or turn out right
or turn around
and right itself
once it’s fallen over.
But the cart keeps rolling
perpetual topsy turvy
until I’m dizzy,
nauseated and flushed,
overheated and anxious,
hating that I care so much,
that I can’t just let it go,
that I can’t just be normal,
aloof and unfeeling
or able to pretend.
But pretense is unreasonable
And unforgivable
So I’m honest when I say
I forgive you
and not myself.