Blue

I don’t wanna feel sad anymore but I still do. Like the kind of blue that has depth beyond view.

& I don’t wanna be frustrated with who I think I am. A subtle hopelessness that makes my life feel like a sham.

& I don’t wanna feel lonely anymore but I still do. Scrapping for self love to null the void I thought I outgrew.

& I don’t wanna feel like my efforts don’t bring success. But how am I supposed to feel when I keep failing the same tests.

I don’t wanna sulk but I can’t seem to move either. If only I could dissipate back into the loving ether.

Try painting a picture when you can’t see ur own vision. Tell me do u feel a spiral of turmoil & indecision.

The easiest part is to know that this is all the minds doing & that I could be free if I stopped mindlessly pursuing.

But the hardest part is actually having no where to run and hide. There’s no one to blame when you can see ur flaws & flawed decisions so clearly inside.

But life goes on and I guess I have to too.

Just one day i hope I don’t hav to feel so fuckin blue.

(2021)