The Worst Question to Ask Someone Who is Grieving — How Can I Help You?

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I recently saw a post on Instagram that resonated with me so deeply.

“Expecting the person who just lost a loved one to be able to identify what they need from you is like asking a non-mathematician a very complex math problem and telling them — Figure out the answer and let me know what it is”.

When Colton died, I received countless text messages asking that very question: “How can I help you?” Honestly, the only answer that flickered in my mind was as impossible as it was heartbreaking — bring Colton back. Those days were disorientating, even getting out of bed was something I didn’t have the strength to do and making even basic decisions felt monumental. The pressure to solve the complex equation of “how to help” in that moment was overwhelming. It was paralyzing and I felt it was unfair to ask me such a question because I had no idea how to help myself.

But some friends shone brightly in that storm. They didn’t ask. They simply did. A knock on the door delivered a steaming bag of food from my favorite restaurant, a silent offering of comfort. Another friend left flowers — a quiet acknowledgement of my pain. There were no…