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Conclave 2025
Who Will Be the Next Pope?
It’s Less About Holiness, More About Geopolitics.
The Catholic Church is again preparing for its version of “America’s Got Talent,” except instead of singing nuns and dancing monks, we’ll be treated to old men in red hats trying to save what’s left of Christendom — and their relevance. After a decade of Pope Francis playing intergalactic social worker, therapist, and part-time diplomat to communists, the Catholic Church has a new vacancy to fill.
The world’s cardinals (135 will vote) are now prepping for their secret conclave, where the job isn’t so much about choosing a spiritual father as it is about hiring a middle manager for a crumbling empire (1.4 billion members) that’s being looted by megachurches.
Let’s get it straight:
The next Pope won’t be picked because he’s the holiest, the kindest, or even the smartest. No, no. He’ll be picked because he ticks the right boxes, looks good in white, and dodges scandals and censors. (252 possible choices) Rumours are saying that none of the top contenders are openly canvassing to be elected.
